There’s No Coming Back From the Dead

I was reading the post of one of my favorite bloggers when I had an epiphany of sorts.  Her last few posts have been about trust, which you know is on my mind a lot.  In the post Reflections on trust, she talks about all the ways her husband’s lies have affected her and made her feel devoid of value.  She went through 20 years of being lied to.  It blows my mind.  Still, some people who comment on her blog seem to think that she should devote more time to waiting around for her husband to magically change.

One went so far as to say,

“A trauma that taught him as a child to lie and keep secrets. Just because he has a grown mans body, a job, kids and a wife does not mean that he was ever taught to tell the truth. Do do what we are taught as children, it carries over into adulthood. You know I’m not making excuses for H’s affair, it was wrong he knew it was wrong but he was doing what he learned as a child. Now he’s trying to unlearn those behaviors, it’s not going to happen over night… Don’t punish him for what he IS doing.”

That literally made my blood boil.  It’s not going to happen over night?  Give him more time?!  That’s your advice?!  He was screwed up as a kid, he wasn’t taught to tell the truth, he’s just doing what comes naturally to him, so… what?!?!  She should just accept that?  Learn to live with it?  Wait some undetermined, potentially indefinite period of time for him to MAYBE, POSSIBLY LEARN to have a conscience and stop being a lying piece of shit?!?!?!?!?!  Disregard the 20 years of lies?  Forget about all these months he spent as an unremorseful ass?  Push aside the fact that he may not be in love with her at all and just keep hanging onto a dead marriage…? Because he did two decent, minimal things and made a few short-lived gestures?

What about the possibility that there is no change coming down the road…?  What if there is no fantastical, happy ending?   What if there is no pot of gold?  Maybe he is just broken.  Irreparably.  Maybe he will be a lifelong liar.  Maybe there just really is no hope for their marriage.  Have those people stopped to consider the fact that she isn’t obligated to continue being dragged around in the mud behind him?

Maybe they have and maybe they haven’t.  I guarantee that they haven’t had a moment where the switch flipped and they just knew that it was over.

I know how much lies can just destroy your soul.   Lies can literally kill any love that you had for someone.  I reached a point with my husband’s lies where that one more lie was just too much to handle.  That only took 5 years for me.  I can’t imagine the hell of being with someone emotionally closed-off from you who has been actively lying for 20 years!  It blows my mind.  She deserves a medal for toughing it out as long as she has so far.

Another thing I know those commenters don’t understand is that there comes a point where there really is no return.  No more “waiting” for the other person to make a change that will be too little, too late.  Once I turned that corner and flipped that switch, it was over.  Done.  No turning back.  There was a moment when I knew that there was no recovery, no making the marriage work.  I even tried to fight against it a little, but it was hopeless, even for me.  Once you have crossed that line, an impenetrable wall goes up and that’s just it.

It is hard to describe that moment to someone who hasn’t had one.  There isn’t an overwhelming feeling of hatred or spite.  In fact, the presence of those emotions for me meant that I was still hanging on to him in some way.  That moment of letting go, feeling the relationship die, it didn’t make me want to scream and yell and kick.  It was just a gentle click.  In that moment I lost all ability to feel much of anything for him besides vague pity, lingering hurt, and a deep desire for it to be over and to no longer have him in my life.

I can say with absolute honesty that my husband could do everything I ever asked of him, worship the ground I walk on, and never tell me a single lie for the rest of his life, and it wouldn’t matter.  I could have assurances that if he even uttered one false word he would be struck dead in his tracks.  He could never cheat again, never watch one more second of porn, never so much as look at another woman. He could make every dream I’ve ever had come true.  He could hit the lottery and win millions.  None of it would matter.  Nothing he could ever do would be enough to get back the love I once had for him.

He murdered that with his lies.

He destroyed it with years of half-truths, gaslighting, and hiding his true emotions and feelings from me.

Like I wrote in my post, I’m Getting Tired of Talking About Lying, I got to a point where I was tired of being lied to, tired of wondering what the truth was, and tired of expending emotional energy on the same thing over and over.  He was too broken, and I could not wait around anymore.

That moment for me came when he lied about STD testing and health insurance.  That is when he killed any chance we ever had of being together.  That was the final “click.”

The love just shriveled up and died.

Just like people, love can’t come back once it’s dead.  Even if it could, it would be a zombie – undead, cold, feeding off of the flesh of anyone close to it.

I don’t want zombie love.  I want the real thing.

Asking For What You Need

Asking For What You Need

I thought this was an interesting take on “being needy.”  I like the idea of knowing what you need and asking for it.

I’m Done Paying for His Mistakes

As I mentioned in the post, Sometimes Goodbye is Necessary to Really Live Life, there was $2,000 financial loss from the car that Mr. Mess gave back to me.  The car was purchased for him, and he was the only one to ever drive it on a regular basis (I think I took it to work maybe twice under special circumstances).  When we went to pick out and purchase the car he added options like the extended warranty and fabric protection that I was against and would never have gotten.  However, he thought that they were important, and I allowed him to make the decision since it was HIS car.

Right… except for the fact that his credit was too bad to actually get the car in his name.  I guess it was a good thing for him that he was married to someone whose credit score is 802.  And a very bad thing for me, it would turn out.

That decision to put the new car in my name came only 6 months after we were married.  I was naive and happy and in love.  I trusted this man.  Just 5 days later I would make a discovery of images that were disturbingly close to child pornography on his phone.  I would uncover layers and layers of lies.  We would start down the path of addiction counseling, therapy, 12-step groups, and marriage counseling.  None of it would work.  He would continue lying.  And 2 years later I would still be regretting the decision to sign my name on that loan document.

Almost immediately after that nuclear DDay, talks began about getting the vehicle in Mr. Mess’s name.  He tried at least 3 times to get a loan through his local credit union, a bank that he had been a member of for decade and where his sister had worked for over 20 years.  Yeah… even they weren’t stupid enough to trust him with a loan.  Time and again he was denied.

Sometimes it was because of the multiple bills he had in collection from before he met me.  Sometimes it was due to his incredibly low income.  Sometimes it was due to his ridiculously large debt to income ratio.  Sometimes it was because his credit utilization was out of this world.  Despite my advice about getting rid of those collection bills, never, ever using more than 50% of your credit lines, and all of the other tips that helped me get a credit score well above average, he never listened.

When we separated for good I let him know that he needed to get the car in his name or sell it to pay off the loan.  He was always “working on it,” but nothing was ever done and no real effort was ever made.  Finally, on the advice of my lawyer, I gave him until the end of 2012 to get it in his name or surrender the vehicle to me so that I could sell it.  During that time I also became aware of the fact that he was smoking in the vehicle.  I had always had suspicions (and raised them every time I got in the vehicle, as seldom as it was), but got confirmation after we were separated (something I wrote about here).

I started researching ways to sell the car considering its condition and the fact that all those “extras” he wanted had inflated the amount owned on the car beyond its value.  As it became clearer and clearer that the car probably wasn’t going to sell for as much as was owed, I contacted Mr. Mess.  I had exhaustively researched the options for selling it to a private party versus a dealership.  I had a little more leverage for negotiating with a dealership, and it was much more complicated to sell to a private party when there was a lien on the vehicle and more owed on it than it was worth.  On December 26th, Mr. Mess contacted me to say he would be dropping off the car that Friday.  The following conversation occurred:

Me:  If I lose money on the car because of the high mileage and smoking, what are you prepared to do (if anything) to help?

Him:  I am willing to pay next months payment to give you a month to sell the car

Later that week, he texted me to let me know that he had dropped off the car.  When I got home I found that he had washed it and put an air freshener in it.  The unmistakable smell of cigarette smoke still permeated the entire vehicle, and there were some nice new pen marks all over the passenger seat.  I took it immediately to the Nissan dealership to see what they could offer.  In its condition, the amount they would give me was over two grand less than the loan.  I texted him immediately to let him know.  This is what followed:

Him:  You can keep the entire tax return to help with that.  I just don’t need to hear about it anymore.

Me:  So I can keep the tax refund if there is one?

Him:  Every bit of it

With that assurance, I was able to go to another dealership and get them to give me a little more for the trade-in if I purchased a car there.  It took my loss to an even $2,000.  I did that with the understanding that the tax refund had been promised to me.  Last year it was about $4,000.  This year it would probably be less since he completely raided his 401K, which meant that the taxes and early withdrawal penalties would all have to be paid from any refund due.  I asked him to wait until the first of the year, but he refused to wait the few extra weeks…  I figured that even if it wasn’t a $4,000 refund this year, at least his half of the return should cover a substantial chunk of the $2,000 loss.

So… that was the plan.  Until last week.  Then suddenly I got a text from him that said:

“Been thinking about the whole tax thing and have come to this conclusion.  I am willing to help out with some of the cost of the car but I cannot put myself into a financial bind by giving you the entire return.  I am sure we will be getting a pretty good sized return and i am willing to split it 70-30.  If that isn’t good enough then we can just file separately.”

I was in the Social Security office at the time changing my name, so I didn’t see that text or a missed call from him until I was walking out of the building.  I tried to call him back (less than 2 minutes after he had called me), but it went to voicemail.  I then sent him the text:

“I need to recoup the $2K.  That was your decision to add the extras and it was your car.  I shouldn’t have to pay for your inability to get it in your name.  Whether I agree to a 70/30 split will depend on the amount of the return.”

Ten minutes later, the following text exchange began:

Him:  I don’t think you get it.  The car was never legally mine it was your and Im saying we do a split of 70-30 or i am filing on my own.  I don’t need your consent to do that.

Me:  No but I can sue you for it in the divorce and go after you for my lawyer fees on the grounds of abandonment if you want to play hardball.  My lawyer is more than capable of doing that.  Especially because I have something in writing from you that I will get the whole tax refund.  I’m trying to be reasonable but you put yourself in the situation where you are nearly 50 and couldn’t afford the car you wanted on your own.  Not my fault.  I am done paying for your mistakes literally and figuratively.

Him:  You threw me out if anyone abandoned anyone it was you.

Me:  I asked you to leave but you did and legally in the eyes of the court that is abandonment.  Ask your lawyer.  Words alone can’t force someone to give up and leave… legally what you did is abandonment.  And I’m not afraid to use the law in my favor.  I’m not being unreasonable I’m just not going to lose $2000 over the car you picked out and drove.

Him:  You asked me to leave your house which you made clear was your house never our house.  My name is nowhere on your mortgage.

Me:  Nope and it doesn’t have to be for me to sue for abandonment.  It would just be easier if you would agree to look at the tax refund before getting into some ridiculous back and forth.  Already a portion will have to be used to pay your taxes and penalties because you withdrew money from your retirement account.  Now you don’t want to give me what you agreed to in order to cover the car you wanted that I got stuck with because your job and credit are bad.  I’m glad you aren’t willing to put yourself in a bad financial position but you don’t mind sticking me with your problems and putting me in one.

Him (2 days later):  Give me a time and place you can get together and do the taxes.

That time will occur at some point this weekend.  The place with be the office of a professional tax preparer.  I am hoping that the location will help stop any irrational arguments that he might try to start.  I’m hoping that he will be reasonable and we can get this done in a way that will be fair so I don’t get stuck holding the bag and paying the for his mistakes literally and figuratively once again.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.

I’m Still Around

I just wanted to let everyone know that I’m still around.  I haven’t dropped off the face of the planet.  🙂  Things at work have been super busy, which has been a good thing and a bad thing.  Last night I didn’t get off work until 8:00 pm!  My dog misses me and gets super clingy on those days, but then we cuddle and he’s okay again.  Tonight I’m going out to have some fun with friends.  I feel kinda awkward posting on here until my divorce is final, just in case…  But I did want to say that I miss you all soooo much!

I Have A Roommate

For the first time ever, I have someone living with me who is not a romantic interest…  My sister.  After some long conversations and negotiations over their separation, my step-Mom decided to come home and try to work things out with my Dad.  She’s always been a “cut and run” kind of person – as evidenced by the fact that this is her 4th marriage.  However, she has apparently decided to actually work on things this time.  At least that was her decision today.  Who knows about tomorrow.

What does that have to do with my sister, you ask?  She was has been living with them while she goes to college nearby.  They do not want an audience while they try to work things out.  They (not so politely?) told her to move out for 2 months.  She doesn’t really have anywhere to go.  Her boyfriend lives about 45 minutes away in HIS parent’s house.  They are away in Florida for the winter, but will be back before the 2 months is out.  It’s also quite a drive away from her school.  Then there’s her dog to consider.

She told me that over the phone at lunch today, dissolving into tears.  My newly single status plus the fact that I’m her current next-door neighbor meant that it was kinda a no-brainer for me to offer her to stay in (one of) my spare bedroom(s).  If you haven’t read Samantha’s post earlier today, I do for friends.  Well, I do even more for family.  That means I now have another person living with me again.  This time will be much different than the other two times.  We’ll see how it goes.

My sister was already planning to stay with her boyfriend most of this week.  However, tonight she had a test at school, which is not too far away.  They want her out tonight, with less than 12 hours notice (Wow was my reaction to that…).  So before my sister left for school she came by and dropped off some of her things.  And her dog.

Now I’m watching Dexter, listening to her dog whine for her at the door, and drinking a beer.  Okay, 3.  After cleaning out my back bedroom, gathering several bags full of things to donate, and moving some heavy furniture around to accommodate my sister’s thing, I’m pretty tired.  Having a roommate is already exhausting and it’s only been a few hours.

While I was writing, my sister arrived home.  She quickly realized that my refrigerator currently has little to nothing in it worth having for dinner.  While we’re waiting for her pizza to arrive we’re gonna watch Ripper Street.  One positive thing so far is that watching her dog try to learn how to use my doggy door is hilarious.  Maybe that’s just the 3 beers, but I don’t think so because she’s laughing her ass off, too.  🙂

I Should Have Read This Article Sooner

Mr. Mess was guilty of numbers 1, 3, 4 (obviously), 5, 7, 8, and 9.  Eeek!

http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=13124&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=1381809

10 reasons to dump a guy… immediately!

By Dana Robinson

We all know that it’s best to avoid passing judgment on others, but in the world of dating, a keen sense of judgment can be one of your best assets. In fact, learning when to pull the plug on a prospect that’s going nowhere can save you tons of anguish, frustration — and perhaps most importantly, time! So, if you spot a potential mate showcasing any of the following behaviors, be prepared to drop him like a bad habit — and then keep the dating line moving along.

Reason #1: He calls women the “B word”
Nothing incites women to anger like the use of the word that shall not be named here (see any MTV or Bravo reality show for reference). It can really pack a wallop no matter whose mouth it comes out of, but that word can be especially hurtful when it comes from the lips of the man you’re dating. “Even in the best of relationships, in the heat of anger, disrespectful things may be said, but this is entirely different from a pattern of disrespect, especially one that is established during the courtship of a relationship,” says Beverly Hyman, Ph.D. and Lawrence Birnbach, Ph.D., co-authors of How to Know If It’s Time to Go: A 10-Step Reality Test for Your Marriage. “So challenge any sign of disrespect early in a relationship, and, if it persists, get out.”

Reason #2: He’s attached to his mother’s apron strings
There’s nothing wrong with a man who loves his mother, but if you see signs that his loyalty to mom surpasses all else (e.g. everything from his career path to his apartment was hand-picked by mom), then it’s time to make a hasty retreat. Relationships are filled with complications and decisions, and the last thing you’ll need is a husband who can’t think for himself or always sides with his mother instead of with you.

Reason #3: He’s only interested in himself
At dinner parties, we’ve all sat next to the guy who loves to dominate the conversation by talking about himself. Not only does this behavior quickly become really boring, but perpetual narcissism may be indicative that he’s a person who just isn’t interested in your thoughts or feelings. You have opinions, concerns, and dreams that are just as important as his are, and any potential mate needs to acknowledge and respect that.

Reason #4: He has unresolved addiction issues
A lot of women get into relationships with men living with some kind of addiction and spend the rest of their lives dealing with a host of problems associated with that lifestyle, which eventually overshadow their own lives and goals. Addiction issues — like drugs, gambling and alcohol — often require a lifetime of management and counseling. So, if you suspect your man has a problem, it’s best to keep on moving.

Reason #5: He’s not honest and/or trustworthy
We all bend the truth from time to time, but there’s a big difference between saying something like, “Of course I enjoy your cooking!” and “No, I’ve never been convicted of a felony.” Big lies set the foundation for a lack of trust, and when you can’t trust your man you’re most likely headed for a life of unnecessary anxiety, frustration and big-time drama.

Reason #6: His relentlessly negative outlook
You shouldn’t have to listen, day after day, about the horrors of your boyfriend’s job, the incompetence of every driver on the road, or how nothing ever goes his way. Dealing with constant negativity is not only draining, but it can eventually cause you to take to the dark side emotionally as well. “If you see signs of negativity while dating, they will only get worse as the relationship progresses,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., psychotherapist and author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. “If he won’t admit his negativity or consider changing it, let go — the relationship will go nowhere.”

Reason #7: He’s got Peter Pan Syndrome
Being in an adult relationship requires both partners to have a mature attitude toward life. It’s perfectly OK to be a kid at heart, but that boyish charm needs to be backed up with a good sense of fiscal and emotional responsibility that only a real man can possess.

Reason #8: He lacks ambition
A man without enough ambition to achieve a goal — any type of goal — typically isn’t a man who’ll make a good life partner for an ambitious woman. “Women that truly understand the definition of ambition have a hard time tolerating a man that has shown…that he has no ambition,” says Michelle R. Hannah, life coach and author of The Breaking Point: A Full-Circle Journey. You want a man whose credo is, “Yes we can!” as opposed to, “Why bother?”

Reason #9: He’s a cheater
Even if he swears he’ll never do it again, will you ever be able to trust him in the future? Can you believe him when he says that he has to work late/travel out of town on business/stay out a little later with the guys? Life is short… too short, in fact, to be constantly concerned with your partner’s fidelity. Cut your losses by cutting him loose.

Reason #10: He isn’t good boyfriend material
The reason why we all have to be interviewed for our dream job in person by a potential employer is because having a stellar resume doesn’t necessarily guarantee you’ll be a good fit. Sometimes a man might have the ultimate qualifications, showcasing his great management skills, financial responsibility, creativity, ambition, and every other quality found on your must-have list. But after a few dates, it may become apparent that he won’t mesh well into the company culture (i.e., your friends and family) or he’s just missing that “it” factor that can bump him up to a full-time partner position. Employers don’t waste time with candidates who lack what they truly need, and neither should you.

It’s Official!!!!

I got it in the mail today – my name change is official!  I open that envelope and literally jumped up and down squealing in my kitchen.  I have NEVER done that before, not when I got into college or graduated, and not for any other major or significant event in my life.

I don’t have anything to compare it to.  I’m not sure I’ve felt such relief or joy.  Ever.  I am me again.  I’m no longer carrying around the extra baggage of his name like a permanent yoke around my neck.  Its freeing in a way I couldn’t imagine before it was an actual reality.

It looks like tomorrow will be spent making calls, visiting the DMV, and ensuring my correct name is everywhere it possibly can be.  Yay!!!

If I’m this happy about the name, I can only imagine how it will be when I get that divorce paper!!!