Last night I was in quite an emotional state. My husband and I lay in bed talking about a few things from the day, and I got triggered big time from the feeling that he was keeping something from me. He kinda was. We ended up resolving the issue, but that feeling wouldn’t quite go away. I was incredibly overwhelmed.
The last few days were both wonderful and a blur. My entire morning routine got messed up last week when, on a rushed morning, I forgot to take all of my pills (vitamins, antidepressant, and allergy medication). I started taking them at lunch, instead, since I need to take them every 24 hours. Then one day I didn’t make it home for lunch, so I began taking them at dinner. Then we went away to the mountains for the weekend, and I left all of my medicine at home. Last night I realized that I hadn’t taken my antidepressants for 3 days. At least I don’t think so. I actually can’t remember. Did I take them when I got home on Sunday or didn’t I? How about Monday? Even last night I couldn’t remember if I had taken them that morning. It’s like my brain was in a fog.
After we had our talk and connected really well, my husband was all talked out and ready to go to bed. I didn’t really have anything else pressing to talk about, but I just couldn’t go to sleep. We turned off the lights and I gave it a try, but my brain was swirling with everything and nothing all at once. I didn’t want to get on the computer because I knew I would end up awake half the night, so I got up and grabbed my journal.
As an aside: I’m pretty awful at keeping a written journal because I hate hand-writing… It is mostly because I prefer typing and I’m faster and more efficient that way. At least that’s what I tell myself. I realized, though, that what’s behind that preference is the fact that I don’t like the messiness of it. I don’t have bad handwriting, it’s just that I can’t edit, tweak, and polish what I have written. I don’t like the rough, unfinished quality of my words right out of my head. I don’t like the fact that I can’t rearrange paragraphs, insert new sentences, and change words without leaving a mess. I don’t like having something that incomplete and raw sitting around, even if it is just for me. It drives me crazy. So, I’m going to address that irrational perfectionism head on, and share what I wrote last night. Unedited. Here goes:
I’m a mess. I want to write about our fantastic honeymoon weekend. Instead I’m feeling emotional and hormonal, sitting up at night not able to go to sleep. I don’t think I’ve taken my ADs for 3 days. My dog just walked in and peed on the floor out of nowhere. Wow… Just my day. No ADs (my schedule got messed up), I’m starting my period, my neck and shoulders are tweaked, I’ve got a cold, and my emotions are running wild. Now I’m cleaning up dog urine at 11:30, too. Oh, and my husband has gout… Yeah, gout. Last year I was convinced that was some medieval disease that no longer existed. Now I know better, although I’m not really all that thrilled to be enlightened. So, I guess this is just one big bitch session. I’m obviously feeling sorry for myself and needed to throw a little pity party. Tomorrow I will get back on my ADs, load the beautiful pictures from Shenandoah, and get on with enjoying life. Right now I’m just going to let this extra strength Tylenol work on my cramps & muscles, hope this cold medicine makes breathing easier, and try to get some sleep…
Proof that I was feeling completely out of it is the fact that I wrote “honeymoon weekend” instead of “anniversary weekend.” I almost edited that here before I posted it because it is just so ridiculous and embarrassing that I got it wrong. No one will probably care at all about that mistake, but I still have the urge to go fix it before I hit Publish. How crazy is that? I just have to breathe and accept that sometimes I really am a complete mess, and not even a beautiful one (although my husband argued otherwise last night).
Today really is better already. I am in an amazing, feminine skirt suit set that is polished, luxurious, and was on sale at over 80% off. I have a deep purple top on that looks amazing with my skin tone. I’m wearing the pearls that my husband gave me at our rehearsal dinner for our wedding day. I have on adorable Tahari heels with a bow detail and decorative stitching. I took all of my medicine this morning. I have my annual review this afternoon with my boss, who is taking me out to lunch where I already know I’m receiving a nice raise. I feel like a million bucks. Even though this head cold is being stubborn, I have a few twinges of cramps, and my neck is still incredibly tight, this is going to be a good day.
Yesterday wasn’t even a bad day. My outlook just wasn’t right. I let the little things overwhelm me because I wasn’t in the right head space. I’m getting back there, and trying to focus on all of the great things that I have going for me. Tonight we are continuing our anniversary celebration by going to a great local restaurant that I’ve wanted to go to for ages. We were supposed to go on Friday, but I didn’t want to miss karate and my husband had a flare-up of his gout (which he wasn’t aware he had until yesterday). Tomorrow I’m going to try to write about how our anniversary went, complete with stunning pictures of the mountains.
Today, though, I’m going to focus on noticing all the little things that I’m thankful for. Starting with you guys. Thanks for listening. Thanks for helping me see my mess and giving me insight to address it head-on. Knowing that I’m going to post my thoughts for you to comment and “like” (or not), somehow allows me to see the truth behind my words, the real reasons behind my excuses and justifications, and put my thoughts and feelings into perspective.
It also gives me the opportunity to face my demons head-on, like admitting that I make mistakes sometimes and I have off days. It helps me to realize that it’s okay. I will be fine. No one is going to stop following me (hopefully) because I wrote “honeymoon” accidentally instead of “anniversary.” Even if they do, who cares? That doesn’t define me. I’m more than the total of my faults and mistakes – I’m also a complicated, beautiful mess with an interesting perspective and a zeal for life who is improving every day by growing and changing and becoming a better version of myself. Instead I could be stuck, afraid of admitting that I’m not perfect, and slowly languishing into mediocrity. I’m glad that I’m able to recognize when I’m throwing a pity party, pick myself up, and move on. I’m also happy that I have people along the way who can help motivate me to keep moving forward. So, thanks!
- Your Guide to Stopping Antidepressants (everydayhealth.com)
- My antidepressant experience. (highanxietiesvictoria.wordpress.com)
- Marriage and Depression. Tell me please, how does this work? (madness42.wordpress.com)
- Gout Diet Ideas (answers.com)
- Gout (sallypederson.wordpress.com)
- Ideas for 10th wedding anniversary in midst of marital stress? (ask.metafilter.com)