Why You Should Leave a Cheater

14 Aug

Most people say that they would leave a cheating spouse or partner when they have a clear head.  Before it has ever happened to them.

That is the right kind of thinking.  The way we think of cheating before it has happened to us is the thinking of a rational, logical brain.  It is the thinking of someone who is clear-headed, unbiased, and can see the reality of a situation.

You know how it’s always easier to give someone advice than it is to take it yourself?  That’s because when you’re giving advice you can step back and see the big picture.  You can weigh the facts and the likelihood of every scenario, and make a calculated, educated decision.  You can really see the truth of a situation as it stands.

Recently a blogging buddy (and real-life friend), Samantha Baker of Repairing Shattered Pieces, brought my attention to an article, 10 Reasons Not to Take Back a Cheating Husband.  I found myself nodding along emphatically the entire time I was reading.

I then went back to her blog and read her counterpoints to that article about why someone SHOULD stay with a cheating spouse, Reasons to Take Back a Cheating Husband.   I love my dear friend, and she made some valid points and arguments from her perspective and in her situation.  However, I have to strongly disagree.

I’m going to address things as I see them, using my own experiences as a guide.  Does that mean this will be biased?  Absolutely!  I’m now past the point where I can take an unemotional look at this topic, as is anyone who has been embroiled in any side of cheating.  It would be impossible for me not to infuse my history with a cheating, lying husband into this narrative.  So I won’t insult your intelligence as readers by pretending otherwise.

So what is it about the original article that resonated so much with me?  It’s hard to pinpoint just one thing, so I’ll take you on the journey that I went on.  I was always the strong, independent, and rather opinionated woman who stood firm in the belief that if someone cheated on me, lied to me, disrespected me, and took advantage of me, I would leave them.  Period.  Just that simple, just that easy.  I didn’t deserve it, and I wouldn’t accept it.

Then it happened to me.  My live-in boyfriend, who I had been with for over a year, cheated on me.

My world stopped.

I should have kicked him out.  I should have moved on.  I should have pictured the rest of my life unfolding with this untrustworthy person and run for the hills.

Instead, I felt sorry for him.  My empathy kicked in.  I saw him cry, snot coming out of his nose, seemingly remorseful and saying he hated himself so much that he wanted to drive his car into a telephone pole.  I listened to him beg for another chance and promise to treat me right.  I heard all of his excuses and watched him put himself down.  And I felt compassion for him.  Love and tenderness even, after everything.

I felt something else, too.  Fear.  I was afraid to let go.  I knew that it probably wasn’t the best thing for me to stay with him.  But I couldn’t bring myself to move forward.  Instead, I just stayed where I was.

Gradually, the searing pain went away.  Things got swept under the rug.  I was comfortable enough that I didn’t want to rock my world or risk not finding someone else.  I did a lot of justifying and rationalizing.  And I stayed.

It was expected that we would get married, so we did.  More “red flag” behavior popped up about a month or two before our wedding.  I almost called it off.  Again, I chickened out, caved, and did what I was “supposed to do.”

Then we went through a year and a half of therapy.  The counseling was completely worthless for our marriage because he was lying the entire time.  It helped me to start getting stronger, little by little, though.  There were hundreds of times during those 18 months when I should have been done.  Finished.  Gone.  But I wasn’t.

I had lots of great reasons to leave him, and really no reason to stay.  Oh, I had things that I thought were reasons, but they were just excuses. The things that kept me, personally, hanging on were:

  • I was codependent and wanted to “save” him.
  • I had a fantasy in my head that he would “get better,” live up to his “potential,” and be a good partner.
  • I had low self-esteem and didn’t think I deserved any more or better.
  • It felt good to feel needed.  I was the provider, the responsible one, the victim, and the selfless partner who sacrificed it all for someone who was so cruel to me. I played the part well, and I was comfortable there.  I am a giver by nature, but mostly I didn’t think I deserved better.
  • I was ashamed of what I’d been through, and I didn’t want to be a divorcé.  The stigma still felt huge (even though it turned out not to be).
  • I didn’t want to give up.  I HATE being thought of as a quitter. In fact, my marriage was the first thing I didn’t follow through to completion.
  • Promises meant something to me then, and they still do now.  I made vows that were a promise to him, yes, but also to me and my entire family and all of my friends. I felt like I owed it to THEM to try my hardest. I didn’t trust him, but I felt like just because he broke his promise didn’t mean I had to.
  • I bought into the “sunk cost fallacy” that I would be “wasting” all of the time and effort I put into the relationship if I ended it, and that if I just held on a little longer my “investment” would “pay off.”

What it really came down to, though, was fear.  I was afraid, and I scrambled to find any “reason” to hold on that I could.  Even though my reality sucked, the misery I knew seemed somehow easier to bear than the terrifying unknown.

I wanted to believe the fantasies and pipe dreams that people preach.  The “happily ever after cheating” stories were few and far between (for a reason), but still I clung to them.  Many of the people who had positive stories had seemingly fallen off the face of the planet (blogs that were discontinued, people who left the forums, or one and done articles).  Conversely, there were those who had written some book to sell to other desperate people like me so that they could make a few bucks.

I had never believed in that self-help crap before.  I used to scoff at that book aisle and feel sorry for anyone who thought that they would find the answers to life or their problems there.  Those people said what they needed to say to make money.  They polished their turds and pretended they smelled like roses, then sold them in bouquets to gullible readers.  Most of them said conflicting things – the solution was different from one to the next, but they all had the magic potion to make the marriage and cheater better.  More importantly, they were all designed to play to a person’s fears.

Suddenly, though, I was full of fear.  I rejected all of the things that I said and believed before, like “I’m worth more than this.”  Instead, I clung to false hope that somehow this person who I fell in love with wasn’t a horrible, selfish, untrustworthy, broken man who had and would stomp on my heart in a second if it got him what he wanted.

I was wrong.  He was all of that and then some.  I was kidding myself.  I was telling myself lies because those lies made me feel better.  Safer.

How ridiculous!

He continued to lie to me, and I helped him do it by betraying my own sense of what I deserve.  By accepting a cheater.  By allowing him to stay in my life.  I put myself through unneeded pain because I was afraid and because I settled.  I wanted to believe the delusional drivel of people who justified their decision to stay in marriages with crappy spouses out of codependency and fear.  I bought the façade they were selling that something terrible and deceitful and foul could be good (because the hard truth that things were still shaky wouldn’t sell books).  I watched other women in support groups bury their problems and concerns and fears under a blanket of denial, and that blanket looked warmer than cold reality.

If you’ve taken this journey with me and you’re still here, I applaud you.  I have been known to be wordy.  Now I’ll get back to my thoughts on the points in those two articles.

Here’s my (completely jaded) list of why you should leave a cheater:

  1. The relationship is broken, and it won’t get better.  Even if it does, by some miracle, who wants to settle for a relationship that’s slightly better than complete and total shit?  You will never have a relationship with true freedom, trust, and respect because at least one partner has already spit all over that (any maybe both, depending on the state of the marriage before the cheating occurred).  There’s no going back.  There’s no untainting rotten meat.  The purity, the sanctity, the sense that the other person will sacrifice for you, put you first, fight to do what’s right, and love, honor, and cherish you are gone.  Forever.  There’s no unbreaking something that’s broken.  A vase that has been smashed can be glued together again.  It can even look alright, but it will never be as strong.  Those cracks will always be there, weakening the entire structure.
  2. When you stay with someone who has already cheated on you, you will always wonder if it will happen again.  For good reason.  Someone who chooses to cheat is much more likely to be someone who takes the easy way out.  They’re the kind of person who will look outside of their marriage instead of talking and addressing concerns head-on with their partner.  They likely have deep issues that may never be revealed or fully resolved.  Generally speaking, they are cowards who would rather run from problems or pretend they don’t exist than face them.  Very likely, they have been that way for their entire lives and will continue to be conflict avoidant, withdrawing as a main coping mechanism, for the remainder of your relationship because that is their go-to.  Alternatively, they could be aggressive and entitled.  Either is a recipe for disaster, and you will likely find yourself in a place where your trust has been betrayed again.
  3. Children learn by example, and actions mean more than words.  Your children will find out that cheating tore apart your relationship.  They probably already know more than you think.  I have never been on either side of this situation because my parents didn’t cheat on one another and I don’t have children of my own.  For that reason, I will refrain from too much commentary on this subject.  I will simply said that what a child sees in his or her parents’ relationship becomes the model for future relationships.  Is this what you would want for your child?
  4. You’ll need therapy either way, but you should focus on YOURSELF.  Finding a good therapist has been a lifeline for me in this process.  Whether you stay or leave, you will want to talk to someone.  The sooner you can focus on yourself, and your own needs, fears, desires, and growth, the better off you will be.  Finding your inner strength and learning how to be independent, confident, and happy is a lot easier when you don’t have someone dragging you down into their muck.  Get rid of the baggage, and your balloon will rise a lot higher, a lot faster.
  5. You will BE safer.  No one wants to think that the person they love has exposed them to a disease.  You need a reality check if you’re with a cheater.  Likely, they have.  Whether it was a one-night stand or a long-term affair (or god forbid a string of affairs, or multiple one-night stands, or even prostitutes), your partner probably wasn’t safe all of the time.  Maybe they weren’t safe any of the time.  Someone who could risk their own health and yours like that isn’t someone you want to continue putting your trust in.  Want to keep gambling with your life?  I don’t.
  6. You will second guess yourself and your worth constantly if you stay, and your self-esteem will continue to be crushed each time you look at this person who didn’t think enough of you to stay faithful.  Not to mention the mind movies.  They will plague you.  Every time your partner touches you, you will think of the other person (or people) that they touched.  You will have flashbacks and triggers that will pop up years, maybe even decades later.  You will try to control these.  You will wish and beg and plead with yourself to get rid of them.  But they will invade at the most inopportune times – watching a movie, seeing a commercial, trying to have sex, passing an old photograph, and even attending a family event or birthday or holiday, when you suddenly remember that during a very similar event you were being lied to and betrayed.  Even if you have the best self-esteem on the planet before your spouse cheats, you will feel less than when you look in their eyes.  Will it all disappear immediately if you leave?  No, but some of it will.  And the rest can be dealt with so much more efficiently without the cause of all of those triggers and fears waiting for you in bed every night (just the thought makes me shudder).
  7. Things get better much faster when you cut the cheater loose.  This is from personal experience.  The last DDay (discovery day, when further betrayals were revealed) with my then husband was in March of 2011.  I was in a living hell, in one way or another, until September of 2012 when I kicked him out.  Small revelations and untruths were revealed during that time – too many to count.  The agony actually started in January of 2009 with the first discovery of cheating.  It took three years to get basic truths about his cheating, even just the number of women he cheated with (4, not 1).   Those three years were a constant struggle, complete with individual counseling, marriage counseling, group meetings, depression medication, journaling and blogging, a marriage retreat, many sleepless nights, and more lies than I care to remember.  He’s now been gone for less than a year and I’ve made more progress personally than in all of those years combined.  I also have more peace, happiness, joy (something I could barely fathom during those dark years), and hope for my future than would be possible if I were still with him (without a doubt).
  8. There is no “easy way.”  I do think that there is an “easier” way, and that is to face your fears head on.  Things are always scarier when you’re standing in the dark.  So turn the light on.  Really look at your situation.  And I mean, really look.  Is this where you want to be?  Will staying here make you happy?  Is holding onto something broken really your best bet?  Or are you just scared?  Confused?  Are you projecting the compassion and empathy that you wish your spouse would have given you onto them?  Are you choosing to believe them because lies are more comfortable than the truth?  Are you just making excuses?  Is your spouse REALLY going to change?  Are they putting forth honest effort and hard work, without you forcing them to?  Do they really want to be with you, or are THEY just scared and comfortable and hesitant to strike out on their own?  Is this the best you can do?  What would you tell your best friend if they were in this situation?  How about your Mom, sister, or daughter?  Answer honestly, then think about those answers, trust them, and act.
  9. Be your own partner.  Advocate for yourself.  Treat yourself with kindness.  Demand what you deserve, and don’t settle for any less.  Be as understanding of your own needs and emotions as you are of his (or hers).  Stop putting yourself last.  Stop second-guessing yourself.  Stop making excuses for the crappy partner you have, who stomped all over you.  Instead of worrying about “fixing” or “saving” or “helping” someone else, do all of that for yourself.  If he (or she) wanted to be better, they would be already.  They know right from wrong, and they always have.  If they don’t, it’s even more of a reason to run like hell.  Accept that they knew EXACTLY what they were doing, and still chose to cheat, without concern for you.  Become concerned for yourself.  Start finding your own fulfilment outside of anyone else.
  10. You deserve someone who would never intentionally hurt you.  Cheating is a deliberate act.  Either your spouse didn’t really care for you and love you, or they don’t even know how to.  Either way, you deserve more.  And there’ more out there.  In fact, being with no one is better than being with someone who harms you on purpose.  See #9.

So my advice is not really to “leave” a cheater, but rather to kick their ass to the curb with confidence and gusto!

If this article resonated with you, check out the companion piece: 10 Excuses People Use to Stay with a Cheater.

If you want more stories about what can change when you leave a cheater, read Letter from a Reader: Leaving a Cheater

Finally, I’ll leave you with this lesson from a very wise woman:

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229 Responses to “Why You Should Leave a Cheater”

  1. Anonymous September 29, 2017 at 12:59 am #

    What an inspiring, beautiful read. I can’t tell you how much reading this has helped me. I ju My live-in boyfriend of seven years and I just broke up over cheating, and I’ve had such trouble telling myself it was the right decision, despite how many times I’ve told myself that I would never let myself be betrayed. Thank you!

  2. stephanie Sadler September 12, 2017 at 9:18 am #

    Thanks for this. I’ve been struggling for seven months now. You really hit the nail on the head! I’m sick of fighting off triggers and flashbacks. My husband cheated for a year with some crackhead he was paying ($150,000+) for sex. I have four kids under 12 with him. That’s been the ONLY thing roping me down since dday. I hate that my kiddos are the ones who pay the ultimate price for my dumbass, selfish husbands CHOICES. We’re on the verge of losing our business because of all the financial fallout from his mess. Bye sucka!! I’m a catch and I know God has a plan for me!

  3. KayCee August 21, 2017 at 3:17 pm #

    This is amazingly written and is helping me in so many ways.

  4. Dee July 31, 2017 at 12:47 am #

    Damn right! Articles like this have helped me cope. Thank you.

  5. Evie July 26, 2017 at 9:34 pm #

    You’re on Point!
    A very good read and very accurate!
    Very sorry you had to go through that !
    Your post describes me after 6 unfaithful years staying with a cheater… I just recently found out he cheated again … I left for good this time !
    I should have read this article 6 years ago , it would have saved me from another heart break time after time!

  6. Darren July 20, 2017 at 6:19 pm #

    Man, I wish I had read this years ago. You just described my ex wife better than anyone who’s actually met her.

    Great piece of writing. Truly.

    • beautifulmess7 July 20, 2017 at 6:26 pm #

      Thank you. And I’m so sorry you had to go through that

  7. Michelle July 18, 2017 at 7:29 am #

    I appreciate this post so much. I did exactly what you did, but it took me many months to develop the strength and courage to execute my decision. I would often come back and read this post, reviewing your points over and over and trying to wrap my mind around the truths you’ve articulated so well. I left my abuser in October and it was the best decision of my life. Thank you for your brutal honesty. You are absolutely right and I have great respect for your integrity.

    • beautifulmess7 July 18, 2017 at 8:40 am #

      Good for you! It’s a difficult thing to do, but you have set yourself up for a much happier life.

  8. PSU Girl July 17, 2017 at 3:58 pm #

    I so needed these words. I have put up with my cheater for almost 14 years. I am finally strong enough to walk away and restart my life. I would be lying if I didn’t admit it is a bit scary and intimidating but it is also exciting to finally feel like I am living for me again. It’s way past time to put me and my needs first.

  9. Moira July 1, 2017 at 12:08 pm #

    That was me 100%..20 years later and three kids I’m finally in a position to leave him. Divorce should be final by end of summer! Thank you for this article people keep asking why I stayed for so long …..you explained it perfectly.

  10. therese harris June 2, 2017 at 11:11 am #

    You are right on the money! I lived everthing you wrote, but it took me 28 years of marriage and self delusion until I could get away! Thankfully I´m free now, and I just want to say it´s never too late to make changes that vastly improve your life. We all deserve happiness and until we really wake up to our own power, we´ll always be sacrificing our own lives for someone who isn´t worth it. Thanks so much for your truthful writing, as so much that´s online reinforces confusion and false hope.

  11. Dulce May 27, 2017 at 10:58 am #

    I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years!! And I love him so dearly he’s like my everything !!He travels a lot for a living internationally!! He cheated on me left n right like millions of times taking his woman’s on expensive vacation and pretending he’s going to work for few days but he spent his time with his other women’s!! I leave him so many many time and I end up coming back!! I’m
    Afraid to have sex with him thinking I’m might get a desease who knows!! The only good sides of him he helps me a lot thorough anything !! He could b perfect man if he don’t cheat n lie!! I think he’s a serial cheater n liar!! But I don’t know why I have hards times leaving him for good!! Sad to say that I can’t even decide myself wat to do!! Sometimes I feel so unhappy thinking about him the shit he is doing behind my back !!and he has a secret phone I just found out recently he uses them to contact his women’s thAt to have sex with!!! So I don’t really know what to do right st this moment!!! 😞😞😞

    • beautifulmess7 May 27, 2017 at 11:39 am #

      What you should do is leave him and never look back. Saying that he is perfect except for cheating and lying constantly is like saying your sandwich is good except for the shit in it. Would you eat that sandwich?

    • Anonymous July 2, 2017 at 10:37 pm #

      Get out now

    • Michelle July 18, 2017 at 7:34 am #

      You deserve so much more. He will continue this behaviour forever because that is WHO he is. Be your own hero, leave, develop yourself, and don’t look back. You get one life, as far as we know. Make it count. I completely understand the feeling that someone “helped” you through so many difficult things, but turn this around: I’m sure you would or have done the same for him, but did you think that you could cheat? That you’d be forgiven for cheating because you had “helped him so much.” That’s ludicrous. Good people who love each other HELP each other, and they don’t think that their “reward” is the license to cheat or behave dishonestly every now and then. Nope! Walk, actually run, away.

  12. anonymous May 18, 2017 at 6:13 am #

    Wow, if you were a man you would be just like me. My wife lied and cheated on me several times. She finally fell in love with someone else and divorced me for him. Now she’s cheating on him. I am horrified that I have to be co-parents with her. I have six years to go before I can sever all contact with her. She still lies to me about him, like she is still cheating, which she has never admitted to doing. She is a covert, malignant, somatic narcissist.
    It took three years of ridiculous, stupid behavior for me to finally feel a sense of joy and happiness without a constant undercurrent of anguish. It happened on Mother’s Day, 2017. A beautiful day that made me feel happy. Nothing I had done to make myself feel better had made my pain go away. It had all only helped me cope for the moment. For whatever reason, one day the pain was gone.
    I made it. I finally washed up on a beach. Alive. I survived.

  13. Emma May 17, 2017 at 4:24 am #

    Hey, Im so glad for finding your article. It convince me more to leave that man.

    So, I had a year relationship with this man (Let`s just call him Richard), I love him so much and he is the one who take my virginity. About 3 weeks ago I just find out that he has another girl which is in longer relationship with him (they are in 2 years relationship). It really shatter me in pieces.
    I feel so shame,stupid and dumb. How could I been so fool. I even thinking for suicide.

    I took that girl number and chat with her. She confirmed that richard is her bf too and they in relationship longer than me. They ever did sex too and this girl loves richard as much as I love him. She said it wasnt the first time she found out richard cheating and she also told me that if richard choose me, she will just accept it and it is okay for her. I have no idea why this girl so subservient to richard.

    Richard also convince me that he choose me rather than this girl. He said he never did sex anymore with that girl since he have relationship with me. But I refused, I feel like I am human who deserve to be respected. I dont want to be an option. I want to be the only one. And then I start to acting so cold to richard. I dont reply his text, dont pick up his phone, I just ignore him.

    He kept convince me, saying I love you so many times and telling that he wasnt mean to hurt me, he knows that he hurt me so many times and bla bla bla.
    He told me that I can be angry as much as I want, but just never leave.
    He told me that he will leave that girl (until now they are still in relationship). He wanted to looking for excuse to avoid this girl and break up with her. He didnt want to take the blame if the reason of break up is because of other girl (me). and then I told him to stop contact me, but he refuse. He kept persuade me, telling me how much he want to spend his rest of life with me, how he loved me, how he missed me, how he want to be with me.
    I refuse and I blocked his number. then he text me with his other number, asking “why you block my number, you dont love me anymore?” My heart so in pain reading this sentence.
    I told him again to stop contact me and I told him that I will block that contact too.
    He answered ” Go ahead, block all of my numbers, never unblocked as long as you alive !”. Then I blocked him.

    Days by days, my feeling is becoming more horrible. did I reacting too rude? maybe I shoudn`t doing that? Im confuse and start to thinking that going back to him maybe is a good idea,maybe I shouldnt block his number, maybe he really want to change, maybe he will learn from it, maybe.

    I cant sleep properly, I always woke up in the middle of the night feel horrible heartache, staring at my phone expecting his text, always see the door expecting he come and knock on that door, Im starting to miss him so badly. Im so pathetic.

    • beautifulmess7 May 17, 2017 at 6:14 am #

      Don’t unblock him. You did the right thing! It’s not rude to cut someone out of your life who deliberately hurt you, deceived you, exposed you to STDs, lied continuously, and is now trying to guilt you to put up with his horrible behavior. Richard sounds like a monster. You don’t deserve that. No one does. Don’t kill yourself. Especially not over that scumbag. There are so many other, better people out there who wouldn’t treat you like that. Keep him firmly in your rear view mirror.

  14. TJ May 10, 2017 at 4:21 pm #

    My 3rd husband,(yep the 3rd) and I have been together for 25 years, married 18 this November. We have 5 children-none together-4 daughters, 37-mine, 28-his, 27-mine, 26-his, and my son is 33. and a total of 12 grandchildren, all aged 8 and under. He is 54, I am 59.
    In January, I found out that he was texting a 27 year old married co-worker inappropriately and meeting her for swimming at the gym. I knew they were “friends” and I told him that was very strange. I met her and her husband, they were both a little weird. She tried to befriend me or “get on my good side” as she put it, and the same for my husband in regards to hers.
    When I confronted him, he said…he had no idea it was inappropriate, he didn’t mean anything by it, that he had no feelings for her, that she was too much, and he would stop all communications with her immediately, (he no longer works with her also).
    I began therapy on my own. He has been seeing someone now also. He acts like nothing has happened. We have other relationship issues and he drinks too much with some health problems, which is upsetting for me.
    He also slept with another co-worker before we were married-like 19 years ago, we had been living together back then. I kicked him out immediately. Then my Mom got sick and passed away and he came around the next year, we got back together and we got married in 1999.
    This is so hard now, my girls are angry I did not leave immediately! My son is closer to my husband and stays quiet about what he thinks, (his wife is with my girls on this). When you get older, it seems harder. Things have not been great with us for a long time, but doing what he has done here again, is extremely painful for me. As you get older security is more important than ever. His Mom also passed away recently and he has a significant inheritance coming in a few months. We owe income taxes and just financed a patio cover prior to me finding out what he was doing. I am like another guy on this comment chain, trying to wait… until taxes and a home improvement thing gets paid for with the money he is expecting. We also have a home we would need to sell. Its all so depressing. After he got caught, he told me of another co-worker our age going through divorce and he doesn’t want to be doing that at this stage of his life. He told his therapist we are not anywhere near divorce. Well…..that’s where we ARE headed in my mind and he has no idea. He is kind of a crotchety old man every day and doesn’t seem sorry, or to be doing anything to show me he cares about me or wants to stay married to me.
    With all of our other relationship issues, I keep thinking that we both would be happier apart. In my younger days it was easy to run, that is exactly what I did and that did not turn out well for me.
    I am trying to wait until things get taken care of, but sometimes that feels like I am cheating? I envision myself in my own calm, peaceful place and am not sure exactly how or exactly when then may be.

    • beautifulmess7 May 11, 2017 at 8:02 am #

      Leaving is never uncomplicated, but staying because it would be work to leave will always leave you miserable. It sounds like your husband doesn’t give a fuck about you. Not one little bit. He is not even a little sorry except for the inconvenience it has caused him that you won’t just let him get away with it. Still, he’s convinced that you’ll keep taking it because that’s what you’ve always done. Even the temporary repercussions he faced last time he cheated eventually went away. He knows that he can manipulate you. He knows he can lord money over you and play the innocent idiot. He knows he can bully you and make blanket statements like saying that you’ll never get divorced. Because that’s truly what he thinks. That he’s got you under his thumb. He’s already gotten away with it before, and he knows he will again if only he can keep you feeling worthless and like a failure and afraid of another divorce.

      Whatever issues he has will not be solved in therapy. He doesn’t care to change, for one. He sees no problems with what he’s doing. He’s also got zero boundaries, especially with coworkers. And he will always have some vulnerable coworker who also lacks boundaries to encourage that behavior. It won’t change. Even if he stops being inappropriate with the current one (which I would bet he doesn’t… Just gets better at hiding it), there will always be someone else. He will always have opportunities. He’s away from you probably a minimum of 40 or 50 hours a week, and he will always be seeking out some other form of ego stroking. There have likely been many, many more that you don’t know about. It’s easy to keep work shenanigans a secret.

      Bide your time until the money comes in, sure. Talk to a lawyer. Figure out the best way to protect yourself. But don’t stay forever. Listen to your kids and the other people who love you. Life will always be better without a cheater in it.

  15. Joshua April 23, 2017 at 3:27 pm #

    I had a very similar experience, except mine came after over 13 years of marriage. But every reason you gave to stay initially is probably true for 95 percent of us that do, and then we realize exactly what you did – it’s not worth it and we deserve better. We were deceiving ourselves, all because of fear, fear of the unknown or fear of loss. But let’s face it…we’re human, and all have to learn the big lessons of life through experience. I’m glad you found this lesson out earlier than I did. Thanks for sharing.

  16. Bethany March 4, 2017 at 4:46 pm #

    You’ve just helped me make a life changing decision. I just hope that I have the strength to see it through. I will save and read this article over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

    • beautifulmess7 March 4, 2017 at 4:57 pm #

      I hope it gives you some strength

    • Anonymous July 2, 2017 at 10:43 pm #

      Get the strength. You will so regret staying. Once a Cheater always a Cheater. It cannot be fixed. They will do it again and again

  17. Melisa January 2, 2017 at 8:51 pm #

    Thank you for this. Two days before Christmas I got to meet my live in boyfriends girlfriend of 4 years. Heartbroken and disgusted I kicked his stupid self out. I couldn’t imagine staying with someone who disrespected me in the worst way possible. Thank you for confirming my decision 😀

  18. Carla December 6, 2016 at 7:37 pm #

    Thank you for this post. I think out of every blog, article, etc. I’ve been reading over the past few weeks since I found out about my fiancée’s extensive infidelity, this one resonates the most. Like, “Ding Dong, wake the f— up!!” in a great way. We’ve been together over nine years, and our wedding was supposed to be next

  19. Lostheart November 19, 2016 at 9:58 am #

    As I write this message I’m in tears.

    I feel so stupid and feel like I have failed.

    I met my guy 7 years ago, he was my first real love, we lived together, we’re engaged and were trying for a baby.

    I found out first in July, through text messages that he was sleeping with his employee. He shattered my world as I had no idea that he was sleeping around ( unprotected) for that matter.

    He was going through a very rough time mentally, finically and I was supporting him. I felt he had thrown it in my face.

    I moved out and wanted to break it off, but did not have the strength to leave because I love him so much and started to make excuses for him. We agreed to work on our relationship and he swore on his fathers grave that the relationship is over.

    First forward 4 months,yesterday, I find out that he has been sleeping with a colleague of his for 2 months. He says he loves her and I find out she is pregnant.

    I feel like such a loser and so stupid that I have put all my eggs in his basket only for him to humiliate me. I feel like it’s my fault for making the wrong choice when I first met him and pursue a relationship with him.

    I gave him so many of my prime years and feel like I have nothing to show from it.

    I have told him I want nothing to do its him as I know this cycle will continue. I just don’t know how to get through it all. Especially because I was really trying to have a baby.

    I can’t even get out of bed and life feels empty!

  20. Stephanie simpson September 27, 2016 at 2:16 pm #

    That’s the first time I’ve read something that’s sticks with me…let me say I believe my husband is cheating because he starts fights for no reason then stays out for hours and then when he does come home he ignores me and this goes on for weeks sometimes…we bought a house far away from my friends and family and I have 4 kids and he has none..he makes me feel like I have to choose between my kids who are all older teens and young adults and when I don’t he treats me like dirt..he actually said to me that he doesn’t know why he married me, on a side note when we first met he was married and I broke it off as soon as I found out and moved away..but a year later he contacted me and said it was a mistake to let me go and he would do whatever he could to make it right and he did..cause I wasn’t going to ever be the other woman in a relationship..I love my home and my kids are just about done school and I don’t want to uproot them again so close to graduating..how do I make a plan to get away without making my kids give up their life again? I sure could use some insight here

  21. Anonymous July 11, 2016 at 7:16 pm #

    I just wanted to say that this is the first article I’ve read which makes me feel justified in leaving my cheating husband. Thank you!!!!

  22. ESURIE April 23, 2016 at 1:29 am #

    Love it- so dead on about every last bit of it. I can not stand those ‘stay with your spouse’ BS religious postings. It destroys women, and men really do not give a shit. We need more women ti stand up and say I fold, so that way men may over time grow to be slightly less pigish.

  23. Paul April 7, 2016 at 10:55 pm #

    I wanted to thank you for this post as well. I am sorry you had gone through this but it sounds like you have found a wonderful man and I am very happy for you!

    After 22-Years of marriage and raising three children (now 20, 18, 17) – I discovered my wife’s affair with her boss (Co-owner, along with his wife, of the store she works and he is enough to be her dad – and my ‘wife’ is 52). The DDay was Nov-28th when i caught them together and received a confession from him (was a family friend)… Because I am a Kind-hearted fool – I did not out her to her family and to the AP spouse until after Christmas as i did not want to ruin Christmas for everyone. I outed them in January – what a nightmare it has been. However, recently about three weeks ago she met ‘him’ and his wife and apologized to her. I think she expected something different – that he was going to tell his wife that she was going to leave her – as since that meeting she has done a 180 towards me and the kids. I know it is because she has no one else for emotional or physical (sex – whats that?) support – I have always been the bread winner (not rich – just middle-class).

    You are right in one of your posts – that when I first had a suspicion my wife said I was crazy as he was old enough to be her dad – that he was special to her as a father – but nothing more and that I was crazy jealous. So I questioned my reasoning and I started seeing a relationship counselor – she asked me what would I do if it was an affair – and I said divorce her.

    Well, here we are 8 months later – and I am hesitating on divorce for now with plans to divorce her for next summer (July 2017), for the following reasons.
    1) My Kids all know, and want us to try and work it out – My son (18) graduates this June, my youngest daughter graduates next June. I do not want to mess up their lives any more than I have to – especially if ‘we’ are ‘getting along’ – I want my son and daughter to focus on school. Obviously, if anything crazy happens or it happens again – all bets are off.
    2) I would like to execute the process as efficiently as possible in regards to selling the house and doing some upgrades to kitchen (dated – looks like the Brady Bunch Kitchen from the 70s) and want to get maximum value so we can split equitably.
    3) She does not have a job as we speak and want her on her financial feet so I don’t get totally screwed on the Alimony. In my state it is nearly impossible to prove Adultery and even if you do they can claim mitigating factors (For Example, I am not a millionaire) as the reason they strayed.

    Is this sound – or am I still in the ‘fog’?

    • beautifulmess7 April 12, 2016 at 9:58 am #

      I think you should talk to a lawyer. None of your reasons sound like “real” reasons not to divorce except for maybe #3 (though I don’t think any judge anywhere would say it’s okay to cheat on someone as long as they aren’t a millionaire).

      Just to add one more thing about #1, you aren’t doing anything to your kids. You aren’t “messing” anything up. Your wife already did that completely on her own. What you would be doing by leaving is giving them a good example of how to have self-respect and demand good treatment in a relationship. You don’t want them repeating this cycle in their own lives.

  24. H April 1, 2016 at 10:18 am #

    Thank you so much for this post, I found out two weeks ago that the person I loved (and thought loved me) hooked up with someone he used to sleep with regularly before he met me. It was devastating news. He’d been lying to me the last four months of our relationship (texting back and forth etc.) and he never planned on telling me what had happened on that night, she only told me because she felt ‘guilty’. Despite what he has done to me I can’t help but still love him, it’s such a confusing situation. He’s shown so much remorse for his actions and although I want so badly to take him back and give him a second chance I just can’t. This post has really helped me see the light.

    • beautifulmess7 April 1, 2016 at 10:47 am #

      It’s difficult to reconcile what they say with what their actions really mean. He wouldn’t have lied to you continually if he felt true remorse. You wouldn’t have had to find out about it through someone else. When you can’t trust the person who claims to love you and their purposeful actions hurt you, there’s no coming back.

      • Tania 50 April 1, 2016 at 11:03 am #

        Once someone lies and betrays you , especially someone close like a husband or boyfriend , your trust is broken. A relationship or marriage is based on truth and trust. There cannot be any love if there is no truth. And if the truth is not there there will be no trust. I would stay friends with someone who betrayed my trust. And this why I did not stay married and filed for divorce. The fact that someone who claimed to love and cherish me , protect me and respect me , subjected me to possible std’s , is evil and selfish. Luckily I was ok but I cannot forget this fact. Even though I was married for over 20 years I valued my health , my self worth and self respect more than this guy . I finally realized that every word out of his mouth was worthless. The hardest part for me was the “I love you’s “before he left for his nightshift as a cop and having sex with a cop co worker. I know now it was all a lie,an illusion. It’s better to let them go. I would have never been able to trust him again. Also, my college age son does not believe anything his father says. Once you are a cheater your word is worthless. Not only to close family but also to bosses ,co workers and friends. I think men or women who cheat should ask for a divorce before acting up on their selfish desire. If not, there is so much more hurt and pain inflicted on the faithful spouse and children. If you are that unhappy in your marriage there are civil ways to end it. For a faithful spouse to discover the lies and affairs is much worse. But of course they are cowards and have to blame the innocent spouse. By all means I was not perfect but I did not deserve being lied to made a fool of or being abondened with my son. My only solution was litigation in court with the help of a good attorney. My victory had come and the dumb one isn’t me now. It is the ex husband along with his little minions. Minions who did not care if he was married of not. So they deserve each other.
        My advice for all women here who are in a similar situation. Take care of yourself , let the loser go. In the end you will have strength and resilience you never thought you are capable of. And this what I call winning.

  25. smattox2015 February 24, 2016 at 2:52 am #

    You said everything I am feeling! I stayed the first time out of fear. Then I found out about more women and possibly a child. I am 40 with 40 children and wonder, who would ever want me. After reading your post I realize, hell, the guy I am with never wanted me. Thank you, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! You have no idea how much I needed to hear this! You truly are a godsend!

  26. Malikagraay January 17, 2016 at 3:25 pm #

    Reblogged this on malikagraay and commented:
    Breathing….

  27. Anonymous October 24, 2015 at 2:22 am #

    One week ago I discovered that my boyfriend of 11 years cheated on me a couple years ago… It was only “making out” but it was several times, all while drinking. I am totally devastated. I don’t know what to do. Obviously you’ll tell me to leave him, that’s what this article is about after all… But I keep telling myself it’s not as bad as it could be… It wasn’t sex… But truth be told I’ve caught him flirting before as well, secretly of course… (hence being ‘caught’)

    He’s extremely remorseful and understanding of my reactions (I kicked him out a few days later) Says he’ll do anything to fix it, says he loves me so much. I love him so much. I don’t want to give up on us.. I’ve read so much advice online and I can’t make up my mind. I keep going back and forth. I told him we should talk in a few days… Guess we’ll figure it out then…

    • beautifulmess7 October 24, 2015 at 8:07 am #

      Of course I would advise you to leave. That is what this article is about, but beyond that, you know that he is a cheater and he won’t change. I’m not here to force anyone to do anything, especially when I don’t have all of the facts. But what you’ve said, that he cheated multiple times, lied, and flirts with other women a lot, tells me that he’s probably done more than you know. Even if he hasn’t, “only kissing” is still cheating, and if he’s trying to downplay that he doesn’t get it.

      Being sorry after you’re caught isn’t good enough. I know from experience, and I’m sure you know that in your gut, too. He has real problems that will take dedication and hard work to correct. On his part. There’s nothing you can dodo. If he has spent this time away sulking and throwing a pity party and trying to convince you to take him back, there’s no hope. If he’s been going to therapy, working in himself, and trying to get better whether you take him back or not, then *maybe* there’s a slight chance. But only if he continues and you don’t think you’ll picture his lips on someone else’s, his arms around her, etc. every time he touches you.

  28. learning2trustagain October 23, 2015 at 11:36 am #

    Reblogged this on gettingoverhisaffair and commented:
    Re-read this again and it really resonated with me. Everything in this post is so, so, true!

    • Kaya48 October 23, 2015 at 1:01 pm #

      I re read this article many times. And yes there is only one way to deal with a cheater. And that is to leave and divorce him. I was married over 20 years and it is a very difficult decision to completely start s new life. Divorce is for ever. To this day I do not regret my decision to stand up for myself and my son and tell him “I am done ” by filing for divorce. I always believed that I did not deserve the lies, the betrayals and the deceit. The truth is that he never deserved me as a wife, he never deserved the love of his son. A good father is a father who loves his child’s mother uncondional and shows her respect and empathy. Carrying on an affair behind her back, eventually for her to discover it, is like stabbing a knife in her heart and then twisting it to inflict more pain . When men cheat they also cheat on their families , on their children. My ex husbands hate for me was stronger than the love for his only child. He now must live the consequences of his actions. He list everything. He gained his freedom to have sex with his co workers, with his minions. I am not sure if he believes that it was worth losing everything for. But that’s his problem now. He made his bed and now must lay in it. As for me, I recovered from the divorce. I am no contact for 28 months. I am in control now ,I have the power and victory. And I will never go back to the craziness he created by bringing a third person into the marriage.

  29. Anonymous October 13, 2015 at 2:25 am #

    This is a great post. I am a male currently dealing with my wife’s infidelity. It has been 4 months since she admitted to “breaking our vows in the worst possible way” (Her words). I know I have been trying to save our marriage for all the wrong reasons and excuses, even when I know the affair has continued until at least 2 weeks ago. I’m struggling to let go and face the realities of what has been posted here. I know all of the above is correct in my logical brain but the emotional side is using all the excuses to stop me doing what is right for me. I hope I find the courage and will re-read this to hopefully hit home the truths of her dispicable behaviour. Thank you.

    • beautifulmess7 October 13, 2015 at 8:43 am #

      I hope you find that courage, too. No one deserves someone who has two feet out of the relationship but still holds it hostage with emotional terrorism

  30. Marcos Paulo October 1, 2015 at 10:12 am #

    and complicated to maintain a relationship with a partner to cheat, the best thing to do and each following his life better than cheating in a relationship with no future

  31. Your friend September 24, 2015 at 1:19 pm #

    It’s hard to get over it.

  32. Linda September 21, 2015 at 4:05 pm #

    Thank you. I think this article may give me the conviction to finally walk away from my cheating, lying, hopelessly selfish boyfriend of five very painful years. I’ve never read anything that resonated quite the way your words have. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  33. Sunny September 21, 2015 at 9:04 am #

    I just came across your article and have been going back and forth on what I should do. He is always sorry and always going to change. Tells me everything I want to hear and the next week doing the same messed up things and lies all over again. I needed to read this, thank you!

  34. Susan September 15, 2015 at 2:03 pm #

    If a door is hard to open …DON’T OPEN IT’!!

  35. Kaya September 6, 2015 at 10:07 am #

    To the person who struggles to make a decision because of religion. I am a Christian myself, I honestly believe that God took my evil husband out of my life so I can have peace. I know God hates divorces but approves when their is I desultory involved. I myself questioned the decision to divorce my husband. For 3 months I prayed to God to help me with this. And his answer was that I should cut of all tied with this evil husband. Divorce him and never look back. I was in love with the illusion my ex created, he was an extreme narcissist and selfish. At the end he told me “he was not in love with me anymore because I was “old, fat, boring and my hair is too short”. Translation “I am having an affair with a young co worker “. Not only did he betray me , he shifted all blame onto me. Over the past 2 years of going through a divorce, no contact with him, I learned that it was not about me. It was him and only him. God gave me my life back and I am so blessed. At first I prayed to my marriage but God had other plans. Plans that were beyond my imagination. God is always in control and he worked it out to be my life saver. Like someone said here, my life is now 1000 times better.

    • Paul April 7, 2016 at 11:03 pm #

      Kaya – I am also a Christian. In the midst of what i was going through I remember praying and asking Why? and I had a feeling come over that he was not taking her away from me – that he was taking me away from her!

      I will never understand how someone can do this to another person!

      • Kaya50 April 8, 2016 at 12:19 am #

        We will never understand the why. I finally accepted the end of my marriage when I filed for divorce. I never got the apology or the closure i hoped for after being married for over 20 years. I was discarded , I was thrown away. Believe me, I was a complete mess for about 3 months. But what I learned is that you have to focus on yourself , let the loser go. Set yourself free. Begin your healing. Recover and go on with your life. I cut off all contact with my ex. A person who can inflict so much pain on me and my child will never have a place in my life again. He will never be my friend. I will never talk to him again. You know pain is only temporary but the consequences of son are forever. Take care of yourself.

  36. Kristin September 6, 2015 at 4:08 am #

    Oh my god, thank you SO much! This article has helped me more than you can imagine. I just found out my husband was trying to sleep with a 19 year old girl, in our very small town. We have 3 kids together and I am Terrified of trying to make it on my own financially. It’s articles like this that will save my sanity.

    • Kaya September 6, 2015 at 9:44 am #

      How sad that he wants to sleep with a 18 year old girl. He should take a look at his wife and his 3 children and think about the devastation and pain he would inflict on them. Cheating and lying go hand in hand. I always thought the same. How can I make it financially , how can I make it on my own? I did not have a choice, he left me for the 20 year old co worker. And you what, you can make it. No matter what life goes on. But this divorce after 20 years was the start of a new life for me. I am still in awe what I strong woman I became. Nobody lies to me now , nobody mAkrs Ashley Madison accounts behind my back, and most importantly I am not exposed to some diseases. He vowed to love me and cherish me. In truth he wanted to destroy me. His hate for me was bigger than the love for his child. All because I exposed him in his little dirty dark secrets. By all means it is not easy especially when you have children. But divorcing him was the best decision I made in a long time. I cut off all contact and let the attorneys handle it. I showed him “enough, no more , bring it on”. It was an ugly, nasty, vicious divorce that cost a fortune. But so well worth it because now I am free of his evilness. And that’s priceless.

  37. Kristine August 24, 2015 at 8:35 pm #

    Great article. Thank you, I needed this. Mind you, I know ALL this. But fear has a way of making you second guess yourself even though you know what you have to do. This is the second time – do it again and I am done. So I am following through this time. I am still afraid, but I have children involved and I don’t ever want them to think this is first rate love or healthy. So I am leaving with my 8 month old (yes I am still on maternity leave!) and 3 year old.

    • Kaya August 24, 2015 at 8:45 pm #

      You said it exactly right. Fear kept me in my marriage for over 20 years with my cheating , lying , abusive husband. I always thought I cannot leave because of my child. Well, when my son was 18 I discarded, thrown away in the garbage like a mc Donald’s paper bag. My ex left me in financial disaster , he only cares about his sexy coworker. I got all my stength together, hired an attorney , filed for divorce and stopped all contact. It wAs the best decision of my life. Was it easy ? No, it was exhausting , emotional draining and very expensive. But to this day I know I made the right decision. I was his spouse, mother of his child and treated me like an option. Whatever I actions he took, consequences were coming. You have to keep your self worth. You only have this life. Don’t let anyone mistreat you , lie to you. My life is good now. Happy and sane. Nobody lies to me , nobody betrays and cheats. The hell with my ex husband. He can have all theiniond he wants to have now. Because I am no longer communicating with the devil.

      • beautifulmess7 August 28, 2015 at 10:28 am #

        You said it perfectly. Leaving my ex was the best decision of my life, but it was also emotionally draining, exhausting, and incredibly difficult.

        My life now is 1000 times better than it ever was with him. I’m glad that yours is, too! Congratulations on getting your life back!

  38. Starr August 24, 2015 at 12:02 am #

    This article is very insightful. I just recently found out that my bf was cheating on me the entire relationship. We’ve only been together for 6 months. I chose to stay with him and he wants to go for couples counseling but I’m really struggling. I’ll have a good moment with him and than boom my mind goes to how he did me wrong. It’s hard to erase from your mind the dirty details that I know that went on with him and this girl. He says he’s sorry ( like they all say) he’s going for counseling on his own and he also got rid of all the stuff in his place so we can have a clean start. But its not helping take away the hurt and the feeling of always being lied to. Please help!

    • beautifulmess7 August 24, 2015 at 11:33 am #

      If he’s already cheating 6 months in, you need to leave. Immediately. It won’t get better. There is no foundation to build a relationship on when someone destroys your trust completely like that right away.

  39. Wilderness August 1, 2015 at 10:29 pm #

    The wilderness journey is in reference to the cheated on spouse.

  40. Wilderness August 1, 2015 at 10:23 pm #

    I caught my wife calling and texting an old college friend. She denied that there was sex, and I believed her. She swore she would end all communication with him. A year later, I found out that not only did she commit adultery back then, but she had continued the affair. She had lied to me for a year. I wish I had realized earlier that she could not change and didn’t want to. A sociopathic narcissist. We are in the process of getting divorced as I have filed based upon adultery.

    To people who cheat……grow up and stop ripping people’s hearts out and destroying lives. It is pathetic. You have no idea the damage you are doing. I do agree with this article in that if someone cheats once……send them packing. They didn’t love you or are devoid of all morals. Even if they do everything right moving forward, the cheated on spouse can never lead a full and happy life with them. Embrace the wilderness you are in because God has put you there for a reason. You are to learn something or some things thru this journey. Sit in the wilderness until you have learned what that is. When you leave the wilderness, you will be a better person.

  41. Wilderness August 1, 2015 at 10:11 pm #

    This is the best article I have read.

  42. Justine July 25, 2015 at 11:02 pm #

    I know this is an old article, however, I found out two days ago that my husband cheated on me. More than a few parts of your article resonated with me. I am a religious person, highly epithetic, and have given very much to my husband in our 17 years.

    I’m struggling in a way that I never thought I would. I found out two days ago that my husband had a one night stand. It’s the only one I could ever prove, after actually speaking with the girl. (13 years our younger) Though there have been 3 different times during those years that I truly did question his fidelity. (and have been beating myself up over for years in wonder, which have come back to smack me in the face since finding out about this one-night-stand)

    I have seen my (bi-polar) husband through cocaine addiction, alcoholism, and pill addiction. I have been the only financial support in our home during metal break downs (I was pregnant at the time, and it was just last summer, so still very fresh) During that time, I was not very interested in sex, and I find myself off and on these last few days, blaming myself for not wanting to be intimate. (I was worried that there was something wrong with the pregnancy, intuition-so to speak- and working long hours to make up for his lack of working at all) I have sat by his side during the toughest times, and I’ve been 90% care giver to our three children. (One is 10, one 8, one 7 months)

    My husband cheated on me, with-out-a-doubt, two weeks ago while I was away supporting my mother who had to leave state to be with my aunts and grandparents while they discussed putting my grandmother in a home. I called him every night while I was there. I was looking for support as I watched my grandmother, a woman who was full of life and love in every memory I ever had of he, bite, fight, hit, and swear at my mother and aunts. I had to help her (she yelled and swore at everyone else) use the bathroom. I needed his support, I wanted help, and I was desperate. But when I did reach him (often it was hours before he answered my text, and often he didn’t take my calls) he was very distracted and got off the phone before I could even tell him about my day, or have him talk to my kids.

    During this week, I know (now) he was exchanging texts with a 19 yr old (we’re 33) and that she came over at least once (he only admits to once, and I didn’t talk to her long enough to get details) and had sex with my husband. Allegations from other parties are running ramped-as everyone suddenly seems to want to be up in our business now that drama has accrued. (Maybe I just want to believe that, but a drama queen friend is accusing him of more, and the guy is known to lie and extend truths to see fights ensue, so I can’t trust a lot of what he says) I did find out about the real infidelity because of the guy, but I had the ability to call her and confront her, and she just so happened to admit to it.

    Now, I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster these last few days. (Surprised? ha.) I want to kick him out on his ass and tell him that it’s over. I also want to believe him when he tells me “he’s nothing without me” (It’s true…. ass-hat) “he’ll change.” “it was all a mistake”… “I’ll never do it again.” Now, it could be the first time… I won’t deny that.

    I’ve also had a lot going on this week. I run an in home day-care. The day I found out, my next door neighbor (who’d come over for support) found lice in the day care kid’s hair. My parents are gone to another state to help deal with my grandmother who is being released to a home, My best friend’s daughter wrote a suicide note on line, and my other grandmother (who’s living with my parents) is alone in my parent’s house and can’t stay alone, so I’m running there after work every day to find her taking too many pills and having to cook for her and take care of whatever else she needs. I am so desperate for help I can’t imagine trying to do this all on my own. As it is (I’m applying for a license through the state for my day-care) I need steps built, and a number of things done to our property that I know nothing about.

    I’m not sure what to do. Everything in me wants to give him another chance. I desperately want to make it work. We’ve been together for over 17 years. (We were 17 when we got together. Ironically, we would have been together half our lives in November) We have a home and a family together, and I’m terrified to see it fall apart. My bf is getting married in two weeks, and my mother is obviously otherwise occupied (I haven’t even called her to tell her yet). I don’t want to see everything disappear. But I know that he’s an a**.

    He slept with this chick in my home. In my bed. No protection. He’s slept with me in the same bed and now I have to go to the doctors next week to get checked for STDs. I’m kinda desperate for support, because I don’t have a lot of options and I feel like I’m putting too much on those around me. This week is supposed to be stressful for my bf, but not like this. She doesn’t need a sniveling wreck on her floor all day. I can’t not work, we need the money (husband has been out of work since June 22 – the day after I came home from my grandmother’s for double knee surgery) and we don’t have insurance for counseling. I don’t know what I’m going to do. But I need to figure it out. I’m scared, horrified, lonely, and desperate.

    ~the girl with the Jack@$$ husband

    • beautifulmess7 July 27, 2015 at 4:04 pm #

      I know what you’re feeling. But you know that he doesn’t care about you based on his actions. The words sound good, but what he did speaks for itself.

    • Kristin September 6, 2015 at 4:15 am #

      Oh my god girl! You need to leave his ass! He WILL do it again. Believe me, from personal experience he does not value you the way you deserve! Good luck and stay strong.

  43. A Covert Narcissist's Wife June 10, 2015 at 6:13 pm #

    Reblogged this on vckhs7.

  44. Believe. May 21, 2015 at 11:56 am #

    This was absolutely amazing and on point. I was married for 10 year. Met my wife on line got together and it was magic! Turned out to be black magic ha!.The first 5 years were rough she had several emotional affairs and so did I. We had children then things seem to get better ( On the 3rd party side). She had been molested by her cousin when she was young so i knew there were issues, she was also a cutter. So you can imagine our arguments were blowouts beyond belief. Im talking full blown world war 3 on steroids. I couldn’t believe I kept staying. Then after our kids got older she started to cheat. Said she didnt want to be married anymore, caught her on line talking to several men, would hide her phone, master manipulator. Then she finally left and started a relationship with her “Long Time Friend” who in the 10 years we were together I never heard of. She brought my children around him and even moved in together. Within 6 months it was over. She came back and I took her. Wild make up sex and I felt afraid of her leaving again. Trust broken. There was no repairing it. All I could think about after a few weeks was , dam she did all these things to him too. It sucked! ThenI got worst. Back to him then back to me over and over and oveover and I stayed like an idiot! We got divorced but never stopped sleeping with each other but the same thing kept happening. Now with several men. There I was allowing her to abuse me. The last draw was when she promised swore on her life she was DONE. She even wrote goodbye emails to her lovers. So off we go to the islands, were celebrating thia new chapter. Yay! NOT. She gets drunk and passes out the blue light on her phone was blinking at 3 am. I pick it up and guess who? One of the goodbyes was never goodbye. She continued with excuses and kept the door open for him. I was done that was it. I told her she had no respect for me and that she should just go be with him instead of lying and lying and lying. She should go handle her business and unresolved feelings for him and stop dragging me thru the mud. Came back home and it was over. My oldest daughter told me she saw her looking at pictures of him with no shirt off. Ha. So within a week. She was with him and now she said she’s gonna see where it goes with him. Long distance relationship they live about 4 hours apart. Been a few weeks and now she says she’s taking our kids to meet him. I’ve cut her off on a personal level 100%. I see my children on a regular basis. I picture her now as someone that I once loved that has passed away. GONE FOREVER. She’s in another dimension somewhere far away in a world of her own. Sad but true. Finally value myself and made peace with reality. Acceptance is a beautiful thing. Lets go!

  45. Devestated March 22, 2015 at 11:50 pm #

    This article was extremely helpful. 3 weeks ago I found out my boyfriend had been cheating through our entire relationship. He says he never physically cheated but I found multiple sexual conversations with women and nude pics they sent eachother back and forth. I am completely devastated and broke up with him yesterday. He said he will go to counseling with me and he promises to change. He moved out today and we are still together but I don’t believe anything he says and I am so heart broken. He has also been emotionally, verbally and physically abusive but I love him and am in hopes that he will change but it’s hard to believe that as well. I’m having such a hard time still and am starting to wonder if him moving out was a mistake.

    • MB March 22, 2015 at 11:55 pm #

      Umm, no. It was not a mistake and you are not emotionally strong if you take him back. He fucked other women and you want that back? Oh yeah, this blog is great but you need something stronger like http://www.chumplady.com

    • beautifulmess7 March 23, 2015 at 6:36 am #

      I’m sorry that happened to you. I will caution that if you don’t believe anything he says, you really can’t a have a relationship. At least not a healthy one. Trust is vital. Without it, you don’t have a partnership. Also, people can change but only of they are internally motivated. He doesn’t need couple’s therapy, he needs boat loads of individual therapy to even begin to address his cheating, lying, and abusive and manipulative behavior. Having him move out was absolutely the best thing. You can’t babysit him, and obviously living together didn’t keep him from cheating. You need distance so you can move on.

    • Carrie March 23, 2015 at 7:22 am #

      Please, please, please don’t take him back. Hear this from a woman (me) who has been married 7 years to a “non-sexual” cheater. The lies they tell to soften the blow of their unfaithfulness are just as disgusting as the acts themselves. You’re not married to this man and if you’re lucky, you don’t have children with him either. If that is the case, please save yourself a lifetime of heartache and run. Kick him out and leave him alone. Best case scenario: he totally changes and turns over a new leaf, but even then you will know he never valued you enough to stay faithful, he never cherished you enough for you to be his one and only, you’ll know he never was able to be honest. The heartache you’re feeling now will still wake you up once in a while three years from now and he’ll be laying next to you and you’ll just quietly wish you had left the first time. And that’s best case scenario. The worst is so painful. Please leave him. Respect yourself more than you love him. I love my husband to the end of the earth but after 3 women in 3 years I know I should have left the first time. Each day you waste trying to salvage what you have with him is one more day you’re wasting. If you are truly unmarried and no kids with him, just know that women like myself are so jealous. You have the opportunity to remove him from your life and truly be free. You’re free to experience joy again and trust me, you won’t feel joy laying next to someone who didn’t choose YOU. Just know that I would trade places with you and take the chance to start over in a heartbeat. Essentially being a martyr to keep my marriage and family together is eating me alive. I live in fear daily of what he will do in another year, or two years, or however long it takes for his “re-commitment” to wear off just like it already has 2 times now. By staying with your boyfriend you are unnecessarily chaining yourself to a lifetime of being second best. Every woman is better than that. Love to you and the heartache you’re feeling! He isn’t the one to fix it though. Friends and family are crucial. Do this for yourself and you won’t be sorry a year from now.

    • Sunny September 21, 2015 at 9:11 am #

      I am going through the same thing with someone I have know. For 20 years. We have been together a year now and it’s been one lie after another. We broke up briefly and I took him back when he was upset and promised to change. Nothing has changed and I now found out he has cheated at least twice and add to it the countless lies. He was in counseling off and on and he has not changed at all. I don’t know if he enjoys the games he plays or what. I finally am out of it recently. It’s hard but easier being alone then to have hope for someone who doesn’t think twice about hurting you and only doing for himself.

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