The concept of trust is something that I struggled with in my last relationship quite a bit (as you know if you’ve read this blog at all). As I move forward and put my past behind me, I know that I will also need to open my heart and learn to trust again. In theory, that seems like it should be difficult considering everything that I’ve been through. However, I already have more peace and trust in my heart in this moment than I did for the last year or two combined.
Part of that comes from no longer having the constant lies in my life. However, I think I no longer have the constant lies in my life because of a deeper change in ME. I have learned that my trust is within my control – who I trust, what I trust them with, and what I accept or don’t. I can give trust away freely in some circumstances and require much more for other types of trust. I can loan someone my trust, but always be mindful of how they are treating that precious gift. My trust can be taken away in small increments, or all at once. My trust in one person can and should be based entirely on their actions. I can trust in varying degrees – I may trust one person with my entire heart and soul and mind, and another person just enough to hang out and talk football.
I feel a certain freedom in making that revelation, which probably seems so basic to most people. Trust used to seem like an absolute thing. I’m not sure why, since I am generally a “shades of gray” person (now the book has added a dirty connotation to that phrase), instead of someone who sees things in black or white. Trust always seemed like a straight-forward concept, though. Either you trusted someone or you didn’t. Simple, right?
I used to trust easily – I took almost anyone I met entirely at their word. There was a time when I believed that people were inherently good. I got burned so much that I flipped my mentality. I came to believe that virtually everyone is twisted, corruptable, and out for themselves. I trusted hardly anyone with hardly anything. The people who I did let in, though, got my absolute trust. If I had to choose between trusting my instincts or someone I loved, I would opt for the latter. Trusting everyone naïvely and trusting a few people more than I trusted myself were both unhealthy ways of thinking. Now I believe I finally understand where the middle ground is.
Yesterday I saw a quote about trust that I loved. I thought about this topic all night, and today I wanted to find that quote again. I did find it, but I also found many more that inspired me in different ways. I would like to share those quotes and pictures below with a little commentary.
This first inspirational tidbit isn’t necessarily about trust. To me, though, it’s about trusting my destiny and realizing that it is up to me to make the best out of everything. I read this, and it makes me think of all of the moments that led me to where I am now – the big ones, the difficult ones, the tiny ones that I didn’t think meant anything, the joys and sorrows… Everything we experience tells us something else about who we are, and what we do with those moments will define us forever. I want my life, my moments, and my experiences to bring me to a place of deeper understanding, happiness, and authenticity.
This next quote is about trusting yourself – that voice inside that tells you what is right for you and what isn’t. I’m not going to disregard that voice again no matter what. I have learned that I have to trust myself first and foremost. No one can tell me what to believe, who to trust, what to do, or what is the right path for my life. That means I have a lot of responsibility and a lot of freedom to determine where my life should go.
I absolutely love the 16 “harsh truths” in this quote. I have faced each and every one of these truths in the recent past, and I’m learning every day to embrace them. I can’t change the past, there is a lot I don’t know, I will fail, and I can’t control much of anything. Information and knowledge are not the same thing, I have to prove my own value and worth to be successful, and I will never feel 100% ready for something new, so it’s best to just dive in. I can only get out what I put in, but I won’t always get what I want. Someone else will always have more than me. Life isn’t easy, good friends will come and go, people won’t always like me, and nothing in life is guaranteed. With that in mind, the only person who can make me happy is me. When I accept all of these things it makes me stronger and more able to really live!
This one is self-explanatory. It’s what happened in my last relationship. In fact, by the end I was trying to use the eraser dust because that was all that was left of my trust.
This next quote is both hilarious and entirely true. This is why I think that lies of omission are just as dangerous as blatant lies. A little bit of truth is a very, very dangerous thing. I always want to make sure that I’ve got the whole truth and the entire picture. If not, my trust won’t last long at all.
Yet another simple truth – the truth is always simple.
This is the quote I saw yesterday that started this entire train of thought. I am trying not to be a bitter person who doesn’t give their trust away at all, however I believe that trust is fragile. When I give it to someone, I truly hope that they treat it as such. Don’t make me regret trusting you if you want me in your life in any capacity because I no longer stick around to be damaged.
This quote is sweet and optimistic and hopeful. It is a good mantra. Pink also happens to be my favorite color at the moment – along with red, black, silver, sparkly (I know, technically not a color, but go with it), and purple. I want my future to be full of laughter, kissing, happiness, pretty things, miracles, and strength of character. I believe I will truly be fulfilled then because with those things and love you can’t go wrong.
Okay, I have to throw this one in just because I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw it.
I’m going to end with this one because it resonates with me. The next person I let into my heart and my life full-time will have to be someone who lives their truth, not simply speaks it. I have learned that words alone are cheap. My future trust will be based on what I see, not on what I hear. I’m looking for integrity, strength of character, and actions. Just know, if you can’t prove it, if you aren’t going to follow through, and if you’re not in this all the way you’re better off not wasting my time. 🙂
Being a Beautiful Mess 
Reblogged this on malikagraay.
I just found your blog, and I wanted to say thank you. I read blogs of other women dealing with sex addiction because it makes me feel less alone (and less crazy!). I’m on the brink of divorce, and it is nice to read about what it would be like on the other side. I can relate to your earlier posts about the crazy feelings that are associated with someone who lies and manipulates. Thanks for sharing your story.
I’m so glad that my story could give you a little bit of solace. It is the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I am stronger because of it, but I know how beat down it can all make you feel sometimes. Do what’s right for you, and you will find happiness.
Excellent post!! You summed up much of what I feel but didn’t know it. Especially loved the shades of trust… how obvious, wonder why I didn’t see it before and feel “safer” trusting some people now knowing that I am the one who can set the limit
Thanks! It was obviously a revelation for me, too.
I especially love the first quote! The last one resonates too but the first one offers hope!!
I don’t know why I keep expecting my husband to be truthful with me. He. Is. A. Liar. He has proved that much to me, yet there is something deep inside me that wants to find some truth and believe him. It’s so messed up.
I soooo relate! It was very, very difficult for me to accept the things that my husband was showing me again and again. He. Is. A. Liar. That is what he is. Maybe he could change, but I was SOOO over waiting to find out, especially since I seemed to be the only one interested in him making that change. I don’t know why we refuse to believe others when they show us things that we don’t want to believe. Maybe I just answered my own question.
For me, i want to believe that the man I love can’t be that way. That he doesn’t want to stay that way and that he loves his family enough to change. I’m slowly starting to see that it’s not about me, it’s about him. He has these issues and they were always there….nothing to do with me. Doesn’t make it that much easier to leave, but it’s a start.
Yep. We want to believe that if they just love us enough, love their family enough, and we love them enough things will improve and they will change. The truth is, we can’t love anyone enough to get their head on straight for them.
It’s not even a matter of love. They may love us in their own twisted up way, but it’s not the expression of love that we expect or need. It is always about them and their deficiencies, not us. While we can know that, it is hard to really accept it. We think if we aren’t getting the love we need it’s because WE are lacking in some way. Not true.
Like you said, making that realization is a start. It doesn’t change how difficult it is to make the choices we have to make. But it does put things into perspective.
I love this idea as our trust being a gift. Being lied to, over and over, makes it easy to forget how previous this gift is and that it’s in our control to give away, or not. Wonderful, esteem-building post. Thank you.
I like that idea, too. My trust is something special. It can be given or earned, but it is always mine to take back if it is abused. I’m glad that you are feeling more in control.
“If I had to choose between trusting my instincts or someone I loved, I would opt for the latter. Neither of those ways of thinking were healthy. ” –> This was an eye-opening thought for me.I used to do the second, but these days I’m ONLY about the first. Maybe you’re right, and, as Aristotle says, there is a median to be found…? (I’m so not there yet!)
16 Harsh Truths: Didn’t Mick Jagger sing #10? 😉
You’ve been through so much, beautifulmess, and I so admire your journey and the perspectives you’ve shared, so honestly! It has really helped me to know there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. And you are right: trust is SUCH a huge issue. Thank you! 🙂
Now that you quote that exerpt back to me, I realize that I was not very clear. I was referring to my “old” way of trusting everyone naively and my “newer” way of only trusting a select few and trusting them more than I trust myself. Both of those ways of thinking were unhealthy. I am going to go back and edit that to make it clearer.
However, I think there may be a median to be found between only trusting yourself and only trusting those that you love – maybe seeking counsel but retaining your own sense of what is true? Sorta like the way the President can have a cabinet of advisors, but still holds the final decision-making authority. Or better yet, the way a good boss gets input from his employees yet makes the final call about what is best for the company.
I had to count, but yes, #10 was a song. A pretty good one, too. 🙂
Okay, I get what you’re saying, and I like your President/cabinet advisers analogy. That makes sense. At some point, I will have a full cabinet of advisers. But for right now, I’m the President of my own island, waiting for the tide to recede so my island can get bigger. It’s just me and my instincts out here, until I figure out who I can really trust. And yes, good song. (I’m not even that much of a Stones’ fan!) 😉
Haha, good continuation of the metaphor. I had to live on my own little island for a while just to learn to trust my own inner voice (or even learn what she sounds like). I totally get it! 🙂
Reblogged this on Broken: picking up the pieces and commented:
Had to repost. She eloquently addresses many of the same central trust issues I (and others who’ve been cheated on) have been struggling with and trying to work through…
Superlike. Struggling to sort out my many issues with trust right now as well. I especially like the idea of trust being on a greyscale, and different sorts of trust for different people, rather than an all or nothing thing, which I think I was unable to differentiate in the past. Brava to you for gaining a firm foothold of control on your life 🙂
Strangely, it was a revelation to me, too (as I said). I usually see everything in shades of gray, but for some reason that train of thought escaped me when it came to trust.
I don’t agree with the “you get what you put in”, I put everything good within me into my marriage and what I got for 7 years was a cheating, lying, self serving husband and I was to blind to see any of it. I think you only get what you put in if it’s the right relationship, right friend, right job, etc… The only thing I could have done differently is hold my husband accountable and set ultimatums. God I wish I’d gotten back what I put in to my marriage. Life would be grand if I had.
I understand what you’re saying here 100%. That’s why I phrased it as “I can ONLY get out what I put in…” Just because we can only get out what we put in doesn’t mean that we will ALWAYS get out what we put in. That’s where some of the other lessons come in like “there’s a lot you can’t control, you don’t always get what you want, you’ll fail sometimes, the only person who can make you happy is you, and life isn’t easy.”
Believe me, I used to wish every day that I had gotten back what I put into my marriage. In fact, I was so caught up in “getting back what I put in” that I let myself accept less than what I deserved. I let myself be unhappy, and I blamed him. I told myself that if I just worked harder, did more, etc. then I was GUARANTEED to get back what I wanted. Not true and not how life works, unfortunately.
Especially with relationships. In that case, you only get back what you BOTH put in. If only one person is giving and there are two people trying to “get” something out of a marriage, that pot will run dry very quickly. You and I were with someone who gave little to nothing (except lies) and took everything they could.
Not everyone is like that, though, so I’m going to keep giving my all because I know that’s the only way I even have a possibility of getting back what I want. What I will do differently this time, though, is make sure I’m actually getting the same in return. No more making excuses for him, no more believing things that I don’t see with my own eyes, and no more second guessing my gut.