Sunday, October 14th, 2012
I still don’t know where all the chips will ultimately fall, but I asked for a separation yesterday. My husband has been out of the house for over 24 hours now. I feel a calmness and relief that I never anticipated.
At the same time, I feel sad. I watched the amazing space jump today, and had to fight myself not to call or text him. It was a spectacular event to see, and I missed being able to share that with my best friend. It’s all those small, every day moments that I will miss more than anything – sitting on the couch, holding hands, talking over dinner, cuddling up at night. Those losses are hard to bear.
I don’t really think it matters what the long version is of why I chose separation. The short and not-so-sweet version is that he lied to me again. It was a pretty big lie. It was also sustained over more than a week. He lied about getting STD tested, even though in his disclosure he revealed sleeping with up to 50 sexual partners, some (or many) without protection. He has endangered my health all along by misleading me about his sexual history and his STD testing status. This last week of lying was the final straw.
The sad part is that he hasn’t acted out sexually in over a year, THAT I KNOW OF. It doesn’t matter, though. That inner circle lying behavior just destroys any chance that we have of becoming a healthy couple. I can’t do it to myself anymore. I just can’t.
The thing that sticks out in my head from this past week is how easily and convincingly he lied, over and over. At one point last Friday I confronted him about a breach to our Boundary Agreement. He got very emotional, said that he was going to change his way of thinking, and seemed to really “get it.” He went to his SA meeting the next Saturday and confessed that (relatively minor) lie of omission, tears and all. Meanwhile, he was hiding this huge lie from me and everyone else. He lied in our last MC session. He lied over and over during the week (“I’m just waiting for the test results to come in the mail”). He lied straight to me, even after I had the proof that he never went to get tested. He made a big show of going down to the clinic to “straighten things out.” It just makes me feel sick.
That man is not my husband. That man is not the person who cares for me when I’m sick and rubs my feet at night. That is not the man whose smile can light up my world. That is not the man who looked at me with such love in his eyes on our wedding day that he cried as I walked down the aisle. That is not the person who has slept next to me at night for over 4 years. That man is not the person I fell in love with.
The man who could lie to me over and over like that is not someone I can live with for the rest of my life.
I need to check out divorce and separation laws in my state. I need to go get STD tested. I need to take his name off of my bank account. I need to look into getting his car out of my name. I need to figure out what bills still need to be paid and determine how much money he left in our joint account.
I don’t want to do any of it.
I want him to get better.
I want him to WANT to tell me the truth.
I want my best friend back.
I don’t get what I want.