I had to travel about an hour away today for a meeting. On the drive up and back I couldn’t stop thinking. That’s not really unusual for me because I’m a thinker, but there was something out of the ordinary. Usually after I write a blog post it eases my mind. The racing thoughts abate, and I’m able to put that topic behind me for a while. Today I was still thinking about some of the questions that I answered yesterday about reconciliation.
I got a lot of really great comments after my post. One of the things that has stayed with me is the common perception that staying to work on the marriage is “weak” or letting the wayward spouse “off easy.” Those two things couldn’t be farther from the truth, so it blows my mind how they have seemingly become the collective cultural idea. Usually stereotypes have some grain of truth to them, which is why they are so enduring. This I don’t understand. Maybe some people out there just give their spouse a pass and move on like nothing happened, but I don’t know anyone like that! All of the men and women who I talk to on message boards and blogs are going through the same difficult journey that I’m on. Sure, we’re all in different places, but I don’t think a single one would say this is easy – for us or our spouses.
I was also thinking about my blog in general and wondering where all the music went. When I started this I was posting more music and using songs to express my ideas. I still believe music is very powerful, so where did it go on my blog? I have a pretty cool radio in my car, and I have a flash drive loaded with basically all of my music that I let play continuously instead of listening to the radio (all of the stations around me pretty much suck). While I was driving and thinking my music was playing away. I rolled through a few songs from various artists, then it hit the Keith Urban section.
A picture I took from one of concerts I attended. I was right up next to the catwalk he had, and actually reached up and touched him once!
I paused in my musings to remember how much I used to love his music (and still do). He is just the consummate musician. I have been to several of his concerts, and I really couldn’t get enough of him live. He and his band are amazing. At their concerts they have a big jam session on stage. They improvise, riff, extend songs, do fun and interesting transitions, and have this rare music-driven performance that is mesmerizing. Keith Urban himself plays the guitar, bass, drums, piano, and a few other things (I think he played the trumpet during one song). The first time I saw him in person I’m sure my mouth was open in amazement the entire time.
Another thing about Keith Urban that you may or may not know – he is an addict. Today as his music was filling my car I understood the deep emotions behind some of his songs for the very first time. I heard his words from a completely different perspective. I was amazed at how much more I liked the songs (which I didn’t even think was possible), and how they really connected with me. One in particular started playing, and I cranked it up as loud as I could stand it. Then I put it on repeat. I listened all the way through at least 3 times barely breathing, then repeated it a few more times while singing along. It was perfect for where I am right now. It paired perfectly with my post yesterday. It was right in line with all of the things I have been thinking all day long. Just listen:
Combining Grey’s Anatomy and Keith Urban? Rock on!
Here are the lyrics for the chorus:
“
But I do love you.
You keep me believin’ that you love me too.
And I know it’s true,
This love drives us crazy but nobody’s walkin’ away.
So, I guess we’ll have to do it the hard way.”
The whole song just really fits, but I’ve already said that. I think my main point here is that we shouldn’t consider people who want to save their marriages “weak.” We should be looking up to them in admiration. Just take a hard look at the state of marriage in this country. It seems like divorce is as common as the cold! Love, committment, pushing through the messy stuff, and learning to change and grow is so special! It’s definitely harder than walking away. But it’s also more rewarding. So, bravo everyone for sticking it out and putting your all into things!
In closing, I will leave you with this picture of Keith Urban’s cute behind. 🙂
Being a Beautiful Mess 
I guess people who have never pulled through after an affair or never tried cant know the strength it takes to stay.
It was hard for me to see that in the beginning, when I was deciding whether to stay or go.
It is completely beyond me why people choose to believe that staying in a marriage is an easy option. It’s so clearly not and I get angry at people making judgements about things they know nothing about.
Love the music (he’s a kiwi so he gets points from me). A great song. Thanks.
I know that you have dealt with that many times, and I have gotten a lot of support from your posts. I appreciate that you are standing up to fight for a more accepting, non-judgemental world.
I did know that he was an addict actually. He’s inspiring. And how appropriate to have the song go along with Christina and Owen from Grey’s (one of my favorite shows) given what they went through with infidelity this past season (which I hope they will continue to touch on next season as well).
Like you, I agree, this isn’t easy. This is by far one of the hardest things I’ve dealt with in my life. Even facing addiction (pain medication) myself. It harkens back to my posts before about is this the hardest thing you’ve had to face and comparing it to death. Bravo on yet another great post.
Yeah, Keith Urban was addicted to cocaine, alcohol, and some other drugs. I found some information about him yesterday when I was researching things. Here’s a little of what I found:
“The country singer entered rehab in October 2006, just four months into his marriage to the Oscar-winning actress.
Since the 90-day stint ended, he has chosen to speak publicly about his experience several times – emphasizing that it saved his marriage, his career and possibly his life.
Kidman said her husband now wants to show others “that you can do the work and you can actually walk through it together – and I think never becoming arrogant in your love and staying humble, knowing that it’s something that you’ve really got to cherish.”
Urban contends that this time, thanks to Kidman’s love and the love he’s found for himself, sobriety feels different.
“I had to make a decision which road I was going to take, once and for all,” Urban said. “I’d been at that crossroads before and always taken the wrong road.”
It really is inspiring, and I see a lot of parallels with what we are going through. He has stayed sober since then as far as I know. There are a lot of his songs that deal with his addiction and recovery in both a direct and indirect way. I discovered that all over again yesterday as I was listening to several of his CDs.
I agree that the hard choice is working through the difficult times; it’s much easier to walk away. I read your blog and other people who’ve really worked hard and fought to stick together, and while I’m impressed with your strength, heart and determination, it also makes me sad that my ex didn’t think I was someone worth fighting for in the least. People like you have a special quality that is quite rare and precious, and I hope someday maybe I’ll find someone who will feel that way about me.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I’m sorry that your wife didn’t put in that effort for you. That means she wasn’t worth you because I can tell you would do just about anything for the woman you are with. She’s out there!
“One of the things that has stayed with me is the common perception that staying to work on the marriage is “weak” or letting the wayward spouse “off easy.” …Maybe some people out there just give their spouse a pass and move on like nothing happened, but I don’t know anyone like that! All of the men and women who I talk to on message boards and blogs are going through the same difficult journey that I’m on.”
I agree that it is not weak or letting the betrayer off easy. What about divorce is easy? But there are some who are doormats and in those situations it is a weakness. They are not working through the problems, they are sweeping them under the doormat and then lying down on it so no one can access the dirt. But of course you aren’t meeting them on blogs and message boards. They aren’t posting because they are denying and dismissing. Look at your audience or circle of influence.
If the only people who are black (or any other race or color) are in a gang, does that mean all black people are in gangs? I would like to think that blue eyes mean you’re a genius, but then why does my Siamese keep chasing that long thing that’s behind her—and if she does get lucky enough to catch, she bites it! And the next day the little genius is trying to catch it again!
By the way, I loved your lists and reviews from codependent no more.
I know what you mean for sure. I’m definitely not trying to say that there is no one like that out there. But I agree with what I think you’re saying – the problem with stereotypes is they take the experiences or choices of a few and put them on the rest of the population.
The nature of the people that you are describing is that they hide what they are going through. They sweep things under the rug or let their spouse do that. I’m sure those people are much harder to see because they are trying to keep those “dirty little secrets” out of daylight. Even that takes a certain amount of emotional strength and fortitude. It’s not something I necessarily think that energy should be put towards, but I guarantee life isn’t “easy” for them, either.
Thanks for your thought-provoking comment and your encouragement. I’m glad my words are reaching someone.