Another blogger, emilylonging, wrote something yesterday that spoke to my soul. She said:
“None of this is intended to be manipulative: my writing, the trial separation. It’s honest. For the first time in years, my actions match my feelings. And that’s good for my soul.”
That is where I am right now. I am being completely authentic. Several times in the past few days my husband has accused me of having ulterior motives, or of being manipulative, or of lying. He doesn’t understand. I am not doing or being any of those things. I’m being me. I am actually doing the things that make me happy.
Yesterday I went to karate for an hour. Then afterwards there was a kickboxing class. I decided to stay for that, too. At the end of two hours I was hot, exhausted, soaking wet, and feeling fantastic. The karate class was great because I got to practice my punches with a partner. The kickboxing class was so intense I thought I was going to puke or pass out or both. I pushed through it, and it felt great.
My husband tried to ruin my night by threatening to break into my house to get a set of darts. He texted me right before I was going to walk out the door for my karate class telling me (not asking) that he was coming by right then. I didn’t have time to go looking for them or figure out a way to leave them somewhere for him. I was literally walking out the door and needed to be there early to register, get my uniform, change, etc. He did not take it well. I foolishly engaged with him.
I’m not going to do that again. I’m not going to argue. I’m not going to defend myself. I have nothing to defend. For now I have peace in knowing that I am being true to myself. I’m going to do my best to carry myself with integrity and honesty and grace no matter what he does.
Being a Beautiful Mess 
When I did JJU that was so fun!
Oh,my, that quote was so perfect. It spoke exactly the way I feel right now. I am struggling a little bit with leaving him behind for Thanksgiving, but I know I will, regardless of my fleeting feelings of sadness…he’s had SO MUCH TIME to pull it together, it’s just not my fault if he chose not to. I am going to enjoy my kids, my family, and the absence of tension and annoyance that tinges all of our time together. I am going to be happy. And I am not going to feel guilty about it. Have a happy holiday!
You, too! Be happy, and don’t feel an ounce of guilt. Remind yourself that you have done everything you can do. We can’t make them get well or become responsible. When we finally pull away and they realize they can no longer just skate through with pretty words they will get desperate and angry and petty. Don’t let it phase you! You are strong and beautiful and deserve so much more!
Thanks! The same back to you. Wouldn’t you think it would be easier to accept love and act with some honor than to cause all of this heartache and complication?? I just don’t get it. Luckily, it’s not MY problem.
That post resonated with me, too. It only took me seven years to to get to that point where I decided to start doing things for myself because I enjoy them. Granted, one of those things was to have an affair with HS Crush, but I think I’m headed in a less destructive direction and I’m glad you are, too.
Kickboxing can be a wonderful way to get fit! Way to go. He’s being manipulative.